the fire.

throughout these months, i've learnt quite a number of things.

fire,..

will always die no matter how wonderful, strong and bright it is.

fire will always need a disposable to compliment with it. it can never be a 'standalone'. and like all disposables, it ain't infinite. it will,.. eventually finish.

weeks back, i wish to leave peter once for all. but i realized, it ain't so easy after all.

for months, i've been feeding peter with cricket. i realized cricket's fire is strong, but only at the beginning. it will run out of gas eventually.

being me, the inner me always wanting for eternal love, i crave for loyalty too much. i do not want the gas to run out. i do not want the fire to die off.

should i get a refillable? zippo maybe?

highway frog.

i've talked the talk,
walked the walk,
and finally,

parked the park.

you know, talking the talk cost absolutely nothing while walking the walk costs probably some convictions but parking the park,

cost the most money of all.

people who knows me well will know that i'm a high-roller, spend more than i can afford and thinks money may actually fall from sky one day.

but after that incident, i have to be more innovative in parking. parking ain't cheap anymore. once you're locked, your wallet goes on diet.

and now because of that, i have to be frogger in 'highway frog', twice a day!

they say, there's always a bright side of every situation. well, it applies a little bit in this. at least i get to wait for someone at the 'make out bush' on certain days and play 'frogger' together before riding her home.

a lot of changes are greeting me at the beginning of this year. i believe the transition is happening.

right now,

i just need to kill the monster in me, resolve 2 things and,

i'll be a man once more.

a day without him,

is the day where my heart goes away, again.

the day started off awaked by the buzz of my alarm. i dragged myself up and could not find him beside me.

everyday, i had to rush to the glass door for the 'release'. as i was rushing today, my heart dropped as i remember i did not have to.

i sighed, but continued my way towards kitchen for my daily morning glass of water. to not leap over on the entrance of the kitchen is something that i have to live with in the future.

i quickly got myself ready and rushed to work.

time of the day came,

KFC was the place to dine. as jess was stuffing coleslaw into the infamous KFC bun, the thought striked me. i will no longer need to pack the infamous bun for him anymore. tell me, oh tell me, how will i be able to have KFC anymore?

as i reached home, i sat on the couch like i do everyday, i realized the missing white bunny hopping away crazily on routine basis.

my heart dropped again.

some say, home is where the heart is. i say,

it's true if you did not lose your heart.

the usual 2 screens occupied my whole night,.. without a sight of the white bunny. eventually, i ended the night trying to forget the thought of hugging fluffy for the night.

the loss is too much. i wish i never had him if i could not own eternity love.

maybe that's just a flaw in me.

will you, forget the time we shared, or will you,.. wait for me in the doorstep?

good things don't last long.

"you're stupid to be still in love with him"

"my dear, you can never fall in love without being stupid"

she hates it, i love it.

i can't help it.

the feeling is great.

whenever together, my heart pumps fast just like a guy who has never been in love. blood thrusting in the veins all the way to my brain.

you're a great companion, but you're disastrous.

i'm leaving you.

peter, i love you. and i will miss you soon.

drive.

i love to drive.

i can't live without driving. nothing in this world can make me happier than driving.

i used to love driving back to malacca on sunday evenings few years back. i could still remember the sun-setting, the wind breeze, the moderate cruise, the road, the trees, and the sky.

it was perfect.

as though it was a painting by van gogh, beautifully painted with self-driven touches.



we drive everyday, at least most of us do.

we drive to work, market, college, city, restaurants, and we have long journeys to other states. some of us hates driving, some of us loves it, some of us hates/loves driving depending on situation.

for me, i love driving. whether it's a purposed-drive or a point-less drive, i love the experience.

if i could drive forever, i would.

the end is near.

warning: a very lengthy emo driven post ahead.

This story goes way back then when i was still sleeping on books and lecture notes.

It started when i was still an anti-social. i hated meeting new people. i hated the process of knowing new friends. i was comfortable with my circle of friends. not many of them, but i was happy.

slowly, i knew more people in college. 1 after 1 and it goes on. not many, but enough to be comfortable with.

It all started on one very fine day when i had to pass a disc to her for my friend. until today, it is still very fresh and clear in my head today. i cussed my friend all the way to her condo for making me not able to go home right after class (used to hate hanging around that place after school).

i never knew that very day would have changed my life so much. oh boy, how it changed my life in almost every aspects of me.

i used to own the road. Back then, i thought i was Karamjit Singh. people who know me long enough will tell you that i was a road maniac. Federal was my playground and i could fall asleep driving in the city. i would hammer the metal all the way back to my home within minutes after school.

the days of my msn poping up right after hers is still very vivid back of my mind. we would then chat till the evening and the sequence repeats everyday for some time.

"do you love dogs?"
"yeah, why?"
"do you wanna see mine?"

i love dogs. but, this very story brought me to another level of affection for dogs.

One day, she did not appear online.

i was dissappointed. i did not know what happened.

i waited. and waited.

until late night, i got a message from her. she told me that her roomate was unhappy over the dog and did not want to see it there anymore. she was sad. apparently, her roomate decided to let her know by a letter. being the heartless person i was back then, i laughed at it.
how ironic it is, laughing at the story of a letter by her roomate, getting so closed to her later.

days went on. we got closer to each other.

we fell in love.

we flew kite, we had picnic, we took pictures, we walked the dog, we watched sunset, we traveled, we fought, we made up, we fought and we made up again.

i was the happiest i'd ever been.

in between the time, our internship started. we worked at the same place. we were two free spirits working together while having the time of our lives at the same time too.

and yes, i would marry you at the transparent church in blue point just like i promised.

sleeping was what we loved to do. we'd spent long weekends wrapped up and worn out in each other whole night. too cold, too little comforter.
tugging away late nights, like a mini tug-of-war.

now,
too huge for a tiny man.
too uncomfortable to be comfortable.

one thing i realized during that time was, i changed. i was never like how i was.

treating a woman like it should,
never had that in me.

being considerate to feelings of others,
never had that in me.

patience,
never had that in me too.

now, i can feel that my old me is getting back to me, battling hard to crawl out of me.

the end is near.

should i, kill the monster or be the monster once more?

love of my life.

again,

woke up bugged with dreams of my entire life's entities once more. these life flashing dreams have been bugging me for months. maybe it's a sign from Him that i may have more love in my life elsewhere.

now that my love has gone buying diamond ring for his love. this may mean i would lose him but, i'm happy for him.

he fought, he waited and hopefully i'll be singing for him soon.

meanwhile,

my new love is growing stronger day by day. seeing my new love everyday in a higher frequency means i'm again stepping into a dangerous game as days go by. i've gone from green to light blue to white to gold and finally red.

on another note,

i'm thinking of going to the cells, experience it first hand and have a serious write on the life in cells. (i need feedbacks on this. drop me some comments bout it)

the monster in me is growing stronger day by day as well.