the battle of emotions

you build shields, you try your best to block the potential attacks.

but,

when your surroundings and close happenings affect you deep, manage to hurt you and break your system,

you know you're losing in the battle of emotions.

it is a long battle.

when victory seems unattainable, you fight on.

you do not give up. you can not afford to. you would be stucked beyond the realm of conscience if you do.

however,
when you win this, and if you do win this battle,
when you finally do not feel the pain,

you know you have finally won the battle of emotions..

Emotional vs Rational

the battle has started months back, the kind that i thought i would come out strong and alive. the kind that i thought i would come back as a respected war veteran.

for the better, for changes, for future, it had to be.

so, i thought.

never knew what i imagined did not come out as expected. it was a different warzone i entered. the one where emotions are tested, and senses are brutally killed.

emotions are running high, rationale being ignored.

right now, future looks bleak. hope seems to drift away as days go by. reinforcement is needed badly. how do i fight this emotional battle any longer?

whatever it takes, i had to fight it.

every glory story, every happy ending, starts with a great emotional battle.

existence is almost non-existent.

i can feel the distance,

everything changes when priorities are shifted. the process of drifting away is almost non-existent but somehow felt. the pain is deep and sharp.

things happen for all sort of reasons. it is difficult, it is hard. sequence and timings of happenings are unblameable.

this sort of transition has never been easy. and each time, different methods are used to deal with it. experimented all sort of ways and experienced the same.

give up?,

i shall not.

it rains the hardest on those who deserve the sun,
as the rain brings too much memories..

i miss you. alot. do you know?

usual but different.

as i laid down the mattress, i remembered my phone. i picked up my phone.

'gotta send a message'.

hold on, not anymore. i sighed as i placed it back to table.

i pulled my comforter and my mind started to drift away..

eyes were still wide. mind was still very awake. one of the non-intoxicated nights.

can't help but to think of the could have's and what if's. eyes were still wide open in a dark room.

"hey..look at the active panda!"

*runs to it excitedly*

as i patted it, it was very active. i turned and saw my past.

i smiled.

never thought i would have a chance to share a 'panda moment' with my past once more. i relished the short moment even though it was blurry. sharing joy is the best way to share your love.

*message tone*

"good morning.. still miss your msg tone?"

i smiled.

the happiness of others' is my karma.

my life is an irony.

i had a lot, i gave all away.
i had something, i wanted something else.
i finally got something else, i want what i gave away.

grass is always greener at the other side they say.

maybe.

i say, not. in fact, both sides are just as good as each.

chinese believe, you must always give away a certain amount you earn.

me? well, i gave more than what i earn away.



karma is a funny thing. it always bite you at a funny time in a funny way.

but nevertheless, it never fails to bite you at the end.

a book.

weeks back, i saw a book.

it was not a new book, but a book i once knew long ago. i picked it up and read the back of the book.

"interesting", i thought.

since then, i started reading it. day and night. sometimes, till late night. weekdays or weekends.

it was great. it was fun. it was an unique book, not any ordinary. and i love those.

we were attached after awhile. i could not bare the thought of not reading even a page for a day.

trust me oh trust me, i did not read any other book just as you thought. i wouldn't do such a thing. when i start reading one, i am a person that will never touch another, not even an old book that i once left.

one day, just when i finished a page, as i turn to the next, i realized the next page was unreadable.

i was shocked.

i can't move on if i don't have that page. i need that page. it just ain't the same if i skip a page. for people who know me, i am a person that can't miss a single minute in the movies.

i closed the book and left. the unreadable page was a surprise i could not bare.

i am stucked. i don't know how to move forward anymore..

i never thought it would end this way. i never expected it would be the first and last sorry i had to say.

but, i really am.

give up?

I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over.
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further.
This ain't lust, I know this is love.

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough.
'Cause it was not said to you.
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you.

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles.
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle.
Finally could this be it?

the light in the dark.

i can't find the fix i need.

i have everything in placed. the set is on and the light is here.

as i sit myself under the yellow light, i inhale a deep one and sigh.



something's just missing. and it's been missing for quite some time now.

i miss it, i miss the feeling. will i ever find it once more?

i wish the night would never end..

lived too much.

i'm not proud (even regret on some) of ;

i. some of the paths that i've taken in my life
ii. some decisions that i've chosen in my life
iii. some actions that i've made along the way



but at the end,

i can't say that i have not enjoyed the experience that i have experienced along the way..

home.

the environment is not the same anymore.
the transition has completed.
the changes breed new neighbours.
new neighbours breed unfamiliarity.



soon i will be driving home,
with the exact same feeling and settings just like yesterday.

dark. gloomy. depressed.

never had i gone home so late, never had i felt like going home so late.

broken.

the moment is so surreal,
the path is blurred,
it's been awhile since i last broke down,

where will i head next, i wish to know..

the late effect.

i have always hated people who are late for appointments. this explains why i dislike being late for any scheduled appointments.

let me explain why.

when an individual does things slowly, it does not affect only to him/herself. it affects dozen of other people around that person. don't get me wrong. i have no problems with people who do things on a slow pace because he/she is not capable to do it fast or when it does not affect other people.

it is only a problem when a person does things slow because they 'feel' like it and it affects people. let me give you an example; a person decides to get ready slowly by lazing around, walking extremely slow and doing tonnes of unnecessary things before actually getting ready to fulfill the promised time of appointment.

then, when he/she actually gets into his/her car, he/she decides to take his/her own sweet time to turtle his/her way to the destination eventually resulting being late.

to many, it does not seem like a problem. but let us see where the time leakages are.

if this person is meeting 4 people, it means these 4 people's time are wasted. and it does not just stop there. due to the slow paced driving, it slows the traffic down. let just say he's slowing 4 cars down around him, these 4 cars which are being slowed down are slowing other cars down. so, if one car slows 4 cars, 4 cars would be slowing 16 cars (4x4=16). imagine the other 16 cars slowing other cars as well? (16x64x?xgoes on). he might even have created an after-office-hours jam!

okay, back to the initial 4 people that he's meeting. lets say 4 of them have errands to run after the meeting. i shall name these 4 people A, B, C and D.

A: goes to a bank to bank in a cheque but found out that it just past the cut off time of the day (wednesday) and affecting the receiver not able to get the money by friday due to the 2-3 days of process time. he/she will only get it on monday.

B: goes to a post office to send a parcel over to the business partner but to find him in-line behind of a guy who decides to take his own sweet time to fill in a form which resulting a long queue (remember the x4 concept?)

C: rushes to meet his parents for dinner but to find himself stucked in jam by people who 'feel' like 'turtling' on the road. (again the 4x4 concept?)

D: rushes to a meeting with another 4 people. (okay, you get the point)

okay, this may sound like a ridiculous exaggerated example. that's because i have not talked about the slow paced employee in bank processing the people in line requests (example A), the person who takes 10 years to get his car parked congesting the carpark in post office (example B), the others who decide to crawl on the road and other entities with their time leakages that may play a part in those 4 daily lives.

in the real life society, there are too many entities that play a part in getting things moving. it is like a network that moves and it is inter-dependent. unlike the first block that crumble on a chain of blocks in domino effect, it is like a multi-domino series being dropped.

so next time when you decide to laze around for the couple of seconds/minutes or to service a person slowly whether in bank, restaurant or etc, think of the multiples of 4s people you're affecting.

you might be just affecting the country's development.

In chase of power, certain lose some basic values.

long ago, there was a concept borned in this world.

a state to be ruled by a government or domain known as kingdom.

the story of my kingdom starts off wrong from the very beginning. being lost and filled with insecurities, until now, i'm not sure whether it was a mistake..

in this nation, different people has different roles to play, different skillsets to offer to the society and different level of powers to delegate or control the minorities.

everything seems pretty simple and incomplex. everyone seems happy to be doing what they do daily, from commercialized business to planting own vegetables at the back of their houses.

people get along fine. of course, minor conflicts do happen around certain people but it wasn't such a big problem. maybe i was just too naive. and being as naive as me, i have a set of beliefs and principles in life that resolves around the words; harmony, respect and friendship.

after a decade passed, things were not how i saw it before. maybe it was there all along that i was just too naive to see it. well, during the process, i anticipated and predicted it would happen. but always hope it would never happen the way it did.

all sort of discrimination was brought on by the people in power including the king. Heck, even some learned and educated were discriminating the citizens by constantly looking down on the less-skilled ones. it was as though the word 'respect' did not exist in the dictionary.

they would impose ridiculous taxes to the lower-graded job related citizens, reward their favourite pets and ignore the calls and voices of the citizens.

of course, in all governments, there are some good generals. the problem with these generals is that they're always outnumbered by the bad ones. revelation is always harder to achieve by minorities some may say and it always been proved true, sadly.

they fight, they try and they struggle for the benefits of the citizen(s) but their voices are often suppressed by the people who sit in powers.

gamble.

how cliche is "life's a gamble"?

well, no matter how cliche it is, there is some truth in it.

my dear, you can not gamble on something hesitating and being afraid of losing. if situation forces you to make the bet, result solely depending on where the ball would fall on the roulette bowl, then so be it. have the courage to place the ante and hope for the best.



the result is not going to change if you hassle the croupier. the result is not going to change if you hesitate. and the result is not going to change even if you bet slowly.

at the end, you would either win or lose. and if situation forces you to place the bet, what is a better choice than to place it somewhere where the bet history favors you?

my love, do it with no regrets or pull out.

parking.

as i drive along the freeway, pictures months back in another country run through my head.

"ahhh~ i miss it.."

it's ironic. what it did to me and how much i want it right now.



i sit here just like the past few nights. i walk out, rest myself on the pathway and look up. it gives some sort of comfort that things would be fine after all.

after all, moments like this i treasure most.

suddenly,..

"let's go parking"
"parking? what parking?"
"you know,.. parking. let's do it again"
*thinks hard*
"ohhh.."
*accelerate away*

the night, has never fails on me.

down.

things have not been going smooth lately. what i expected and predicted months back, is happening at the moment. probably worse in some ways.



one of the cliches goes; you gain some, you lose some.

don't know how true is that. well, i gained something valuable, and by the looks of it, i may be losing some along the way.

the process isn't the smoothest as well. and this has been feeding myself a lot of hatred and anger unconsciously. somehow, i do not see signs of the beast crawling out of me yet. maybe it died from the last incident.

i might be down, but i've always came back stronger and usually with lot of hatred and anger.

i'll be back,.. once more.

on the tip of a fulcrum.

i've been sitting here by myself, trying to find myself.
past has changed me so much that, as much as i try to get behind myself, sometimes i do not understand myself anymore.



beliefs that i fight for, principles that i stand for,..
people do not know the things that i say and do.
people do not understand things that i've been through.

outcome could only swing either way, in extreme.
i do not wish to engage in such a battle, especially a battle when i have no visibility to it.

So Julie.

So Julie..i saw ur eyes again
did we talk last nite about the little things
so julie does it matter when i call
i think you're awful young to try
and shoot the world on your own

but if we dance awhile and we go cut it loose
we take some time how about a little time
we find our own

now that we were wrong
im sorry that it had to take so long
in the world we live in often
we dont know who we are
so julie gonna head off
cause julie's got her head on

now we go find out that
we've already lost enough
so now we're gonna win it back again
so julie when you think of me
does it come to mind
we're living in the same room
in the same house on the same street
in the same town

everynite i rush to sleep and
every point of you surrounds me
if u see me now..i havent got that far
because i know
what you're like..but i dont know who u are

The House.

The House used to be a warm and comfortable place.



Weather has not been smooth these days. Sun has been too hot and rain has been too unpredictable.

I for one is finding it hard to live under such conditions. It has not been too kind with me. I'm finding it hard, to fight the emotional warfare.

Just when i thought everything's lost, i found The House. and never have i felt so comfortable, for such a long time. The warmth i felt is unreal. The emotional shelter it gave made me feel alive once more.

Past owner has been cruel and ignorant to it, making it hard to accept any more occupant and cold. Making it almost impossible for the house to trust any other occupant.

Just when i'm comfortable and wish to settle down in The House, it turned me down due to reasons which i've been fighting for almost all my life. Well, i do not blame anyone but myself for not able to change its' beliefs. I want to be the one to fix the spoils and flaws in The House.

But, to be told off and brand as one of any other men which can fix it, breaks my heart, deeply.

sunday is a journey.

i opened the door of the wheels, and realized it was the wrong side of it.

the emo drive was always at the back of my mind. it was a timer counting at the back of my mind.

as i hammered the metal to the floor, we started off the journey knowing that it would end some time. just few miles away from origin, i could see a fast flashing light running at my tail.

"here we go again. awesome! this is the last thing i need right now."

e: yes, officer? (always wanted to say that at least once in my life. or "problems, officer?")
o: good morning!
e: morning, sir.
o: driving license please.
o: did you realized you were over 60? i checked you out at 65 at one point and another at 62. speed limit here is 45.
e: oh really? i'm sorry officer. i'm not around here.
o: are you a student here? or..you're here for?
e: business
o: alright. speed limit here is 45, don't you go over that again or you'll be in the justice department. i'm sure you do not want that, do you?
e: no, i don't officer.
o: okay. have a good day.
e: you too. thank you.

v: can i drive?
e: no.
v: why? but i want to drive.
e: no. i feel like driving.
v: don't you think you should start driving abit slower now?
e: do you know what they call me back home?
v: *sighs*

my entire life is about driving.

after all, one of the biggest thing that ever happened in my life was during driving. name every situation in driving and i can assure you i've done it before.

right now,

driving my mind would be my biggest challenge, if i know where that path lies of course.