gamble.

how cliche is "life's a gamble"?

well, no matter how cliche it is, there is some truth in it.

my dear, you can not gamble on something hesitating and being afraid of losing. if situation forces you to make the bet, result solely depending on where the ball would fall on the roulette bowl, then so be it. have the courage to place the ante and hope for the best.



the result is not going to change if you hassle the croupier. the result is not going to change if you hesitate. and the result is not going to change even if you bet slowly.

at the end, you would either win or lose. and if situation forces you to place the bet, what is a better choice than to place it somewhere where the bet history favors you?

my love, do it with no regrets or pull out.

parking.

as i drive along the freeway, pictures months back in another country run through my head.

"ahhh~ i miss it.."

it's ironic. what it did to me and how much i want it right now.



i sit here just like the past few nights. i walk out, rest myself on the pathway and look up. it gives some sort of comfort that things would be fine after all.

after all, moments like this i treasure most.

suddenly,..

"let's go parking"
"parking? what parking?"
"you know,.. parking. let's do it again"
*thinks hard*
"ohhh.."
*accelerate away*

the night, has never fails on me.

down.

things have not been going smooth lately. what i expected and predicted months back, is happening at the moment. probably worse in some ways.



one of the cliches goes; you gain some, you lose some.

don't know how true is that. well, i gained something valuable, and by the looks of it, i may be losing some along the way.

the process isn't the smoothest as well. and this has been feeding myself a lot of hatred and anger unconsciously. somehow, i do not see signs of the beast crawling out of me yet. maybe it died from the last incident.

i might be down, but i've always came back stronger and usually with lot of hatred and anger.

i'll be back,.. once more.

on the tip of a fulcrum.

i've been sitting here by myself, trying to find myself.
past has changed me so much that, as much as i try to get behind myself, sometimes i do not understand myself anymore.



beliefs that i fight for, principles that i stand for,..
people do not know the things that i say and do.
people do not understand things that i've been through.

outcome could only swing either way, in extreme.
i do not wish to engage in such a battle, especially a battle when i have no visibility to it.

So Julie.

So Julie..i saw ur eyes again
did we talk last nite about the little things
so julie does it matter when i call
i think you're awful young to try
and shoot the world on your own

but if we dance awhile and we go cut it loose
we take some time how about a little time
we find our own

now that we were wrong
im sorry that it had to take so long
in the world we live in often
we dont know who we are
so julie gonna head off
cause julie's got her head on

now we go find out that
we've already lost enough
so now we're gonna win it back again
so julie when you think of me
does it come to mind
we're living in the same room
in the same house on the same street
in the same town

everynite i rush to sleep and
every point of you surrounds me
if u see me now..i havent got that far
because i know
what you're like..but i dont know who u are

The House.

The House used to be a warm and comfortable place.



Weather has not been smooth these days. Sun has been too hot and rain has been too unpredictable.

I for one is finding it hard to live under such conditions. It has not been too kind with me. I'm finding it hard, to fight the emotional warfare.

Just when i thought everything's lost, i found The House. and never have i felt so comfortable, for such a long time. The warmth i felt is unreal. The emotional shelter it gave made me feel alive once more.

Past owner has been cruel and ignorant to it, making it hard to accept any more occupant and cold. Making it almost impossible for the house to trust any other occupant.

Just when i'm comfortable and wish to settle down in The House, it turned me down due to reasons which i've been fighting for almost all my life. Well, i do not blame anyone but myself for not able to change its' beliefs. I want to be the one to fix the spoils and flaws in The House.

But, to be told off and brand as one of any other men which can fix it, breaks my heart, deeply.

sunday is a journey.

i opened the door of the wheels, and realized it was the wrong side of it.

the emo drive was always at the back of my mind. it was a timer counting at the back of my mind.

as i hammered the metal to the floor, we started off the journey knowing that it would end some time. just few miles away from origin, i could see a fast flashing light running at my tail.

"here we go again. awesome! this is the last thing i need right now."

e: yes, officer? (always wanted to say that at least once in my life. or "problems, officer?")
o: good morning!
e: morning, sir.
o: driving license please.
o: did you realized you were over 60? i checked you out at 65 at one point and another at 62. speed limit here is 45.
e: oh really? i'm sorry officer. i'm not around here.
o: are you a student here? or..you're here for?
e: business
o: alright. speed limit here is 45, don't you go over that again or you'll be in the justice department. i'm sure you do not want that, do you?
e: no, i don't officer.
o: okay. have a good day.
e: you too. thank you.

v: can i drive?
e: no.
v: why? but i want to drive.
e: no. i feel like driving.
v: don't you think you should start driving abit slower now?
e: do you know what they call me back home?
v: *sighs*

my entire life is about driving.

after all, one of the biggest thing that ever happened in my life was during driving. name every situation in driving and i can assure you i've done it before.

right now,

driving my mind would be my biggest challenge, if i know where that path lies of course.

sanitarium.

the stage is set. the equipments are geared up.

"welcome to where time stands still, no one leaves and no one will~"
"moon is full, never seems to change. dream the same thing every night~"
"that dream is my reality~"

"sanitaaaariummm~"
"just leave me be~"
"sanitaaaariummmm~"
"just leave me alone~"

"for the jews on the floor, get the hell out of here!"
"didn't the goddamn sign says no fucking jews?"

--------------------------------------------------------

venue: the good ol' green field
foyer action: (guitar solo by richie sambora)
side foyer action: (kirk and members)

e: hey, isn't that your solo?
kirk: yea, he fucking copied it.
e: what you gonna do bout it?
kirk: kick this jackass out of his mind after this.

re-ignite the fire.

"we're all professionals!"

"we're the best of the best, aight! if we're the best of the best, aren't we supposed to be kicking the asses out of the enemies!?"

"it's been tough, and i know that, aight. we gotta hang on there, aight. the enemies are rough, but we gotta be rougher, aight! we do what we came here to do, and we do it! anyone needs help, we help. we do not leave a single man behind, aight. one man behind means the whole team is behind, aight!"

"we need you to give all your best! we're a team, we work as a team, we die as a team, and we achieve as a team! aight!"

"now, get your packs out of here and fight. i expect perfect results by the end of the day and we shall do it!"

the war is at its' peak.

fight the emotional warfare. forget about the medals of honor. win the war and come back again as heroes of ourselves.

unleash the fire in me and you'll see a beast crawling out of me!

a Great Memorial awaits me.

The war started somewhere mid to end of last year.

I was in the reserves back when it started. Around new year, i was told that i might be sent to the field.

On 16th of Feb, i received my call to serve for the first battalion for the war. It was my first assignment on the field. I was nervous and unprepared right to the last day before leaving. and before i know it, i'm on the field.

I was allocated in the 4th infantry. We managed to take control of 2 bases without heavy resistance. Having a great chief in command helps the whole 4th infantry without losing a large amount of our men.

On 17th March, i was allocated to the airborne to join another company for a defensive operation. I was told that the stronghold that we took control was the major link between the success and failure of our 4th infantry. Our mission was to defend the stronghold at all cost till more backups arrive. It was a short notice and i wasn't prepared to be in the airborne.

Right now while writting this, i landed successfully deep into the enemies' lines and trying to battle my way out of it. It could be a suicide mission. But, when you serve, you serve. There is no exceptions.

A little support and moral encouragement back home could be a big help to gain my courage to continue this battle. The hope of returning home at scheduled date at the end of this war remains deep in me.

6th Street.

"this is the capitol of legs in the world aint it?"
"it sure is.."

"here 2 bucks, go get the good o' jelly of texas"
*grabs money

100 meters

"so, you think you're all that mate?"

"yeah"

"100 meters till that post?"

*smiles

"uh uh uhhhh huhhh uhhhh uhhhhh"

"mi knees, mi kneessss"

"told ya, 'mate' =)"

chin up

*jumps

"uuuhhhhh, uuhhhh, uhhhhhh, uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. oh man"

"i can do at least 10 of those, what's with you mate?"

*walks away

shuffle board

"5 bucks that i'll kick your ass in this"

"you gotta be kidding me. come on mate" *fists punching the air*

*shhhiiiiii, shiiiiiiiiiii shiiiiiiiiiiiiiii*

"ahhh bollocks."

*shakes hands*

"cheers mate =)"

----------------------------------------------------------

*bwwwwwwwwweeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

"come on mate, we gotta go. let's go mate"

*bwwwwwwwwweeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

"good o' jelly knocked you hard eh mate"

"you're not afraid or anything, don't you? you just don't give a shit, don't you?"

A Day in a Shipment Lifecyle (Part 1)

explicit content: read at your own cost

Accent: (A)-DAmerican, (AU)-PAustralian, (N)-Nigga, (M)-Mexican/Spanish (XYZ)-Combination of all

(XYZ) can i drive one of the forklifts over there?
(M) hell yeah, go get them ma-fucker

(M) so you have a gun or some shit over there?
(XYZ) no, we have machetes over there man
(M) so you kill people with machetes and shit?
(XYZ) yea man. we go like (both hands flying all over with extreme movement)
(M) fuck man. i got a shotgun, you wanna see it?
(XYZ) fuck off. wtf do you shoot?
(M) like cats and shit, bom (hand movement) the cat go flying man. fire extinguisher, tanks, cars, whatever man.

(M) is that your bitch over there?
(N) fuck you fatass
(M) i'm gonna shoot your black ass with ma shotgun

(N) i'm telling ya man, this shits wont load up, this shits aint load up.
(N) ah, fuck this shit man. i going back getting sum american women.

(M) why not you bring him to juarez?
(N) fuck no, he aint gonna make it back here, we aint gonna make it back here
(N) we go like (hand on the steering wheel act) driving and shit, "ah this is some nice street" minding own business and shit. boom, tatatatatatatatatataata. we be fucking fried man.

(object flying)
(N) ya throwing shit at me?
(N) beachwhale.
(N) i hate tat mother fucker i tell ya

(M1) you got a 34 over that dude?
(M2) fuck no, he aint fitting in a 32
(M3) yeah man
(M1) over the belly?
(M3) under my dick

(A) i'm 62 but my girlfriend's like 24.
(A) i don't like dried up women
(A) i like girls who go all wet as soon as you touch them.

(M1) you been in a monster truck?
(XYZ) ya calling that shit a monster truck?
(M1) hell yeah, check this shit out
(tires smoking)
(M2) fuck off amigo, that aint no monster truck, that's a mini truck
(M3) ya gonna break that shit over there
(tires smoking)
(M1) i gonna smoke the shit up
(tires smoking)(up the curb)
(M1+2+3+4+5+6) hahahahahahahahhahaha
(M1) that's some good shit

captured is bits and pieces. more is forgotten.


lessons learnt:

1) applications and systems can be the best in the world but if you have idiots running the systems, it could be the worst in the world.

2) make the best out of the mess

3) smoke is essential

4) never deal with the applications, always deal with the users

5) re-booting solves ALL problems

missing moon.

it ended late.

partners gathered pace on themselves. i strolled. i did not understand.

"am i intoxicating myself tonight? definitely."

no more asking, no more begging.

as i walk the 20, i strolled. it was dark. it was quiet. i found a glimpse of happiness in the thick-dark-loneliness.

i looked at the shelves with lots of local choices. i've never seen such before.

i hate decision making. especially with the one filled with choices. it tortures my smoked brain cells.

i grabbed the proven taste and moved on to the frozen. chose, paid and left.

on the way back, opened up and lit up each.

"aaaahhhh~" i took a deep of each.

i looked up.

"man, where's the moon?" sighed me.

down to earth

as i walk out, i could feel the early breeze.

i see people walking their huskies, jogging, cabs parking at the sidewalks, people enjoying a good morning.

life's good.


i take out a stick out of the box, scratch it on the box and light up a deathstick.

inhaling it deep into my alveolies and exhaling it out never felt better.

i relived. ahhh~ best moment of this period of life.

----------------------------------------------------------

i walk out. i see my driver in my bentley waiting.

as i walk out, he comes out of the bentley and greeted me with a smile. i take out my box and light it up and pass it over to him.

we smoke, chat and joke for a moment. he's my dude. we joke, we talk and we do shits.

i proceed to my bentley. chuck my briefcase to the backseat, and sit at the front.

he drives off.

it's gonna be a carefree good shivers-under-the-sun day.

leaving on a jet plane.

i emo when people treat me bad.
i emo when people treat me too good.
i probably don't when people treat me moderate.
i do not understand myself anymore.
maybe i should desert myself from everyone.



i'm leaving, on a jet plane.
don't know when i'll be back again..

my bed is evil.

"eric! come over and check this shower hose out! it's grown shorter and weird-ly-crooked." (cantonese)

"meh si oh" (mind)

i looked at the corridor between my room and parents'. it looked endlessly long.

2 seconds passed.

i'm in the bathroom, naked. water pouring out of the shower hose. water droplets hit my body vigorously.

i looked up. and i freaked out.

"what the fuck is this shit!?" (mind)
"this hose is mutating! it's growing shorter and it's weird-ly crooked! it's alive!" (mind)

i regained realism. terrified. even more shocked by the fact of bolster floored and was replaced by pillow.

i sighed.

i've always freaked out on small weird matters. but somehow, i tend to be amazed or thrilled by it.

lost in the transition.

future.

it's a big word. at least for me.

at the current state of mind, i'm terrified. i've never been so terrified before.

i've been in so many fucked up situations that no one has ever been. not my usual circle of friends at least. name it, and i've been it.

things have been getting from uncertain to very uncertain for me. i'm finding difficulties in handling people around me. fuck, i'm even finding difficulty in handling myself.

some random witch recently told my mum that a person will envy me this year. but honestly, i envy people around me. i envy people like mic who can go home, read a book, play console and sleep at 10+pm everyday.

months back, my greatest enemy was my heart. now, my greatest enemy is my neurons. both equally bad. maybe thinking too much isn't a good thing after all.

cliche.

i hate cliche.

no matter how life surrounds us with the usual cliche's, i still hate it.

cliche's come in words, phrases, and even actions. i hate all forms. i've always believed that life should be as unique as it could be. i mean, we are all unique individuals. how can the addition/interaction of 2 unique individuals be the same with the others? how can the words/phrases that we say be the same with others?

been with various people lately, meeting new individuals, unique individuals. from a dude that used to scam aunties infront of giant to dude who used to sell mandarin oranges next to highways.

i've always loved meeting new people. no matter how anti social i was, i never hated meeting new people. i just lacked the effort to initiate the whole introduction process. i love talking to strangers, i love talking to people on the roads, i love having contacts with unique people.

i remember the days when i was out of the country few times, i talked to random strangers. i hugged a random fat dude. learnt their lifestyles. learnt the way they speak. tried understanding how they think or act. i just love the experience of having contact with total random strangers on the roads.

many have different opinions and views on life experiences. for me, i've always view greatest for the unique-ness and quality of life experiences. not wealthy, colourful or rich lifestyles. but, just plain ordinary life experiences. it could be meeting a random unique dude on the streets or it could be having a beer with my drinking buddy infront of the famous 7 at 6am in the morning.

i tend to write whenever emo sets in. i guess the reason for this random late post would be greatly inspired by the deep emo i am right now.

i miss the old times, all the time.

i miss the 12pm football, i miss the mid-night treasure hunts, i miss the piss-soaked football times, i miss the activities-motivated schooling moments, i miss the 6am morning-call times, i miss the dejavu times, i miss balcony times, i miss the activity-driven-street-drinking times, i miss the adrenaline-driven times, i miss the bed moments, i miss the indescribable colourful moments, i miss the ep-7e drink till the dawn breaks moments, i miss the kite moments, i miss the ups&lows moments,.. i miss my past so much.

for me, this is what i mean by quality life. not the usual competitive aggro wealth seeking one. if i could turn back time just to live this period once more, i would exchange my life for it.

soon, i'll be leaving on a jetplane.

i do not know what future brings. i do not know what may happen. if i was given a choice, i would never wanna know what future brings. but instead, i would wanna taste history, just maybe, for a moment.

the fire.

throughout these months, i've learnt quite a number of things.

fire,..

will always die no matter how wonderful, strong and bright it is.

fire will always need a disposable to compliment with it. it can never be a 'standalone'. and like all disposables, it ain't infinite. it will,.. eventually finish.

weeks back, i wish to leave peter once for all. but i realized, it ain't so easy after all.

for months, i've been feeding peter with cricket. i realized cricket's fire is strong, but only at the beginning. it will run out of gas eventually.

being me, the inner me always wanting for eternal love, i crave for loyalty too much. i do not want the gas to run out. i do not want the fire to die off.

should i get a refillable? zippo maybe?

highway frog.

i've talked the talk,
walked the walk,
and finally,

parked the park.

you know, talking the talk cost absolutely nothing while walking the walk costs probably some convictions but parking the park,

cost the most money of all.

people who knows me well will know that i'm a high-roller, spend more than i can afford and thinks money may actually fall from sky one day.

but after that incident, i have to be more innovative in parking. parking ain't cheap anymore. once you're locked, your wallet goes on diet.

and now because of that, i have to be frogger in 'highway frog', twice a day!

they say, there's always a bright side of every situation. well, it applies a little bit in this. at least i get to wait for someone at the 'make out bush' on certain days and play 'frogger' together before riding her home.

a lot of changes are greeting me at the beginning of this year. i believe the transition is happening.

right now,

i just need to kill the monster in me, resolve 2 things and,

i'll be a man once more.

a day without him,

is the day where my heart goes away, again.

the day started off awaked by the buzz of my alarm. i dragged myself up and could not find him beside me.

everyday, i had to rush to the glass door for the 'release'. as i was rushing today, my heart dropped as i remember i did not have to.

i sighed, but continued my way towards kitchen for my daily morning glass of water. to not leap over on the entrance of the kitchen is something that i have to live with in the future.

i quickly got myself ready and rushed to work.

time of the day came,

KFC was the place to dine. as jess was stuffing coleslaw into the infamous KFC bun, the thought striked me. i will no longer need to pack the infamous bun for him anymore. tell me, oh tell me, how will i be able to have KFC anymore?

as i reached home, i sat on the couch like i do everyday, i realized the missing white bunny hopping away crazily on routine basis.

my heart dropped again.

some say, home is where the heart is. i say,

it's true if you did not lose your heart.

the usual 2 screens occupied my whole night,.. without a sight of the white bunny. eventually, i ended the night trying to forget the thought of hugging fluffy for the night.

the loss is too much. i wish i never had him if i could not own eternity love.

maybe that's just a flaw in me.

will you, forget the time we shared, or will you,.. wait for me in the doorstep?

good things don't last long.

"you're stupid to be still in love with him"

"my dear, you can never fall in love without being stupid"

she hates it, i love it.

i can't help it.

the feeling is great.

whenever together, my heart pumps fast just like a guy who has never been in love. blood thrusting in the veins all the way to my brain.

you're a great companion, but you're disastrous.

i'm leaving you.

peter, i love you. and i will miss you soon.