drive.

i love to drive.

i can't live without driving. nothing in this world can make me happier than driving.

i used to love driving back to malacca on sunday evenings few years back. i could still remember the sun-setting, the wind breeze, the moderate cruise, the road, the trees, and the sky.

it was perfect.

as though it was a painting by van gogh, beautifully painted with self-driven touches.



we drive everyday, at least most of us do.

we drive to work, market, college, city, restaurants, and we have long journeys to other states. some of us hates driving, some of us loves it, some of us hates/loves driving depending on situation.

for me, i love driving. whether it's a purposed-drive or a point-less drive, i love the experience.

if i could drive forever, i would.

the end is near.

warning: a very lengthy emo driven post ahead.

This story goes way back then when i was still sleeping on books and lecture notes.

It started when i was still an anti-social. i hated meeting new people. i hated the process of knowing new friends. i was comfortable with my circle of friends. not many of them, but i was happy.

slowly, i knew more people in college. 1 after 1 and it goes on. not many, but enough to be comfortable with.

It all started on one very fine day when i had to pass a disc to her for my friend. until today, it is still very fresh and clear in my head today. i cussed my friend all the way to her condo for making me not able to go home right after class (used to hate hanging around that place after school).

i never knew that very day would have changed my life so much. oh boy, how it changed my life in almost every aspects of me.

i used to own the road. Back then, i thought i was Karamjit Singh. people who know me long enough will tell you that i was a road maniac. Federal was my playground and i could fall asleep driving in the city. i would hammer the metal all the way back to my home within minutes after school.

the days of my msn poping up right after hers is still very vivid back of my mind. we would then chat till the evening and the sequence repeats everyday for some time.

"do you love dogs?"
"yeah, why?"
"do you wanna see mine?"

i love dogs. but, this very story brought me to another level of affection for dogs.

One day, she did not appear online.

i was dissappointed. i did not know what happened.

i waited. and waited.

until late night, i got a message from her. she told me that her roomate was unhappy over the dog and did not want to see it there anymore. she was sad. apparently, her roomate decided to let her know by a letter. being the heartless person i was back then, i laughed at it.
how ironic it is, laughing at the story of a letter by her roomate, getting so closed to her later.

days went on. we got closer to each other.

we fell in love.

we flew kite, we had picnic, we took pictures, we walked the dog, we watched sunset, we traveled, we fought, we made up, we fought and we made up again.

i was the happiest i'd ever been.

in between the time, our internship started. we worked at the same place. we were two free spirits working together while having the time of our lives at the same time too.

and yes, i would marry you at the transparent church in blue point just like i promised.

sleeping was what we loved to do. we'd spent long weekends wrapped up and worn out in each other whole night. too cold, too little comforter.
tugging away late nights, like a mini tug-of-war.

now,
too huge for a tiny man.
too uncomfortable to be comfortable.

one thing i realized during that time was, i changed. i was never like how i was.

treating a woman like it should,
never had that in me.

being considerate to feelings of others,
never had that in me.

patience,
never had that in me too.

now, i can feel that my old me is getting back to me, battling hard to crawl out of me.

the end is near.

should i, kill the monster or be the monster once more?

love of my life.

again,

woke up bugged with dreams of my entire life's entities once more. these life flashing dreams have been bugging me for months. maybe it's a sign from Him that i may have more love in my life elsewhere.

now that my love has gone buying diamond ring for his love. this may mean i would lose him but, i'm happy for him.

he fought, he waited and hopefully i'll be singing for him soon.

meanwhile,

my new love is growing stronger day by day. seeing my new love everyday in a higher frequency means i'm again stepping into a dangerous game as days go by. i've gone from green to light blue to white to gold and finally red.

on another note,

i'm thinking of going to the cells, experience it first hand and have a serious write on the life in cells. (i need feedbacks on this. drop me some comments bout it)

the monster in me is growing stronger day by day as well.

the day i sing infront of Aladdin.

i'm no expert in singing.

Few months ago, i found a person who sings so bad that even tables and chairs would cry.

He uses a long industrial pipe as his 'microphone'. He talks to cats and random other people who walk by. He sings by the day and goes home when the sun sets.

Although he's a goner, he enjoys doing what he does (i think). Till today, he still sings daily.

Imagination does not make fools wise, it makes them happy. and if he's happy, who are we to judge?



Lately, i've been singing as well. 1-2 years ago, i lost my singing virginity to a girl. Like a amateur i was, i sucked big time. I 'moaned' out of tune, pitching was bad, no 'frequency' or whatsoever, did not catch the right moves and the girl was disappointed.

Till today, those singing moments are still vivid in my mind. I enjoyed it even though i sucked in it.

When it seems that your life is in a chinese music clip, that's the day you're ready to sing infront of Aladdin.

and crying is not the hardest thing to do.

my love,

holding my tears is.

The Road.

Everyone has a road.

From time to time, we move along our road. Whether it's bumpy, curvy, smooth, packed or whatnot.

Not everyone or almost not everyone chooses the right road at the first attempt. Halfway through, some may change path, some may make a U-turn, or some may even stop trying.



For me, I've always lived with the concept of adapting to the road rather than finding the right road for me. So whenever i commit to a certain road, i will truly appreciate and try to take good care of it.

However, due to certain circumstances, i've changed roads few times in my life. All those times, i never wanted or was reluctant to do it. But, some of these roads that i've gone through has either abandon me or turned out to be un-drivable.

Some of these roads promised so much when i was at it. Being naive as i was, i really thought it was going to take me all the way.

It hurts so much when the road decides to come to a dead-end making me almost impossible to make a U-turn. It is almost like the situation we face when we're in a very narrow road trying to make hundreds of reverse-front movements to get the 3-point turn successful.

From now on, the road is not gonna decide my fate. Cos i'm gonna own the road, like i used to.

Turkey Man pt. 2

There used to be a time, when Turkey Man was pure, innocent, kind-hearted and loving. It was like a white piece of paper drawn and coloured with bright colours.

Colourful but not messy.

After 'that' incident, he changed. Only he knows what happened. Only he knows why he left him.

From a pure kind-hearted person, he now craves for power, money and lust. He acts like a typical selfish king controlling a kingdom. He acts cruel, mercy-less and feeling-less. He manipulates the evil system to his desire.

Many have boycotted his ways. Many have disagreed with his views. But none has dared to tell him.

Then, the person that Turkey Man left, has not given up. He had faith in Turkey Man. He knew him inside out after years living with him. He knew that Turkey Man did not born to be such evil person. It was because of certain circumstances which made him to change dramastically like that.

He will always..always be the one to give Turkey Man benefit of doubt even if the whole kingdom look at him as an evil ruler. Cause nobody will truly ever understand what it's in TM's heart and mind like he does.

*the events and characters written in this entry are purely fictional. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

The Long Goodbye.

Our time spent together was so sudden, yet so real.
Our 4 months together was so short, yet so pure.
Our age gap is huge, but it did not matter.
All it matters was our love for each other.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

This post, I have to say it's our dedication from all of us (the GT gang), for the love of our legendary 'GT', Mark Chai.

You made working life feels like secondary school life where we only look forward for our 2 hours 'rehat' and all sort of nonsense activities.

You made us live freely once more. Without responsibilities and worries, even in an tension environment.

Mark, you will be deeply missed by us even though the time we shared was short.

Turkey Man.

Then,

there was a person. He lives normally. He does daily chores and satisfy self-responsibilities normally. He communicates with surroundings normally.

As he grows, he sees things. He feels things. He experiences things.

One day, he met Turkey Man. They went out. They did things together. They enjoyed their companion.

Eventually, they fell in love. They shared lives. They shared 'music video clip moments' together. They lived freely.

One day, something happened. Turkey Man behaved strangely. Turkey Man hid something from the person. They went separate ways. Turkey Man left, without a word.

The person went through a tough time wondering. He searched. He wanted to find Turkey Man. Wanted to know why. Wanted a talk, wanted a hug.

Days passed by. One day, he saw the shadows of Turkey Man. He saw the back of Turkey Man. He ran towards TM, with alot of thoughts running parallel in his mind. He hugged him from the back, tightly, without wanting to let go for even a second.

TM turned, held him and said "i'm sorry, i never wanted to leave you."

At that moment of time, he did not mind. He did not mind the lost times. He just wanted to hold TM forever.

TM held him off a sec, and said "i'm glad we're together again. Turn around for a sec and i'll show you why i went away the last time"

He did.

and, Turkey Man went missing once more.

Left him once more, in the unsound transition state of mind.

After some time, eventually, he moved on. He lives his life again, like any other people. Normally.

Till one day, same thing happened. He saw the back of Turkey Man.

Same series of actions repeated. He hugged him. TM told him to turn back. But, this time around, he turned back without letting off his hands on TM. He was determined not to lose him again.

TM said, "look. you have to believe me this time around. i had my reasons the last time. i never wanted to lose you too. if you do not want to turn, could you go talk to the person at the end of the road?"

He went without letting his eyes off the sight of TM. and when he reached the person, the guy told him to follow him to a place.

He said no. Not this time, he was really determined not to lose TM. He ran back to TM and hugged him tightly. TM said "i love you too, my dear. i'm sorry for all the sadness i've caused."

At the end, they walked down the alley together. Holding each others' hands firmly.

Just before they reached their home, Turkey Man dissappeared and never to be seen again.

*the events and characters written in this entry are purely fictional. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

life no more?

I was on medical leave yesterday. I've been consistently taking medical leave once every month.

and guess what i found on my desk today?



Great.

I lost part of my life and now i'm losing my source of income.





Opened it and it was surprising i have to say. Hopefully,..

just hopefully... some elements in my life could surprise me in such a way.

the great depression.

It happened years ago. It is happening now again. Many could not identify the causes of the breakdown, neither the great depression or the current crisis.

Assumptions are made. But, only the affected parties will truly understand.

I can't either. I just don't know why. I ask 'the' question everyday and yet to find the answer.

Phenomenons these days just do not have a clear cause. Being as fragile as me, I've been finding it hard to coop with the crisis. Yes, i'm on the verge of breaking down if i'm not already.

Better days will come, i hope.

And i pray, for a person to guide me through this tough time. Be it the old guide or a newer guide, i wish i'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel once more with the guidance.

a series of traffic lights.

Have you ever come across the situation where you have to go through a series of traffic lights which turns yellow 100-200 meters upon reaching? The distance is just somehow not enough for you to push harder on accelerator and beat the lights. You have no choice but to stop and wait.

You wait 1-2 minutes patiently with the rest. Either mind drifting away, sipping a cup of coffee, looking around with a great deal of curiosity or maybe just counting away the seconds left.

So, green light. Great! Here we go again, the journey begins. You accelerate away. Just when you hit the optimum speed, you reach the next traffic light. It stops you by turning yellow 100-200 meters upon reaching again. The distance is just right at the point where you can not beat the light.

Again, you’re waiting for the 1-2 minutes.

The same sequence continues for the next few traffic lights ahead. There is when you just stop and wonder, “How nice would it be if I came out of my house 10 seconds earlier?”.

How often do we encounter that? Actually, this event has some similarities with life. In life, there will be hiccups along the way. These hiccups will always be packaged together and hit you at a period of time consistently. Just like the stops before each traffic light.

Hopefully, our sequence of traffic light stops will end soon and we may be able to go through a just-in-time-before-it-turns-yellow series of traffic lights again. You know why?




Cos that feeling is the greatest.

you.

Dear you,

How have you been? Is everything surrounds you been good to you? Are you getting along to your surroundings well?

I'm sorry that i could not be there for you whenever you needed my companion. I've tried my best to be there, give you a certain amount of time and support whenever possible. Although i must admit that the amount of time may not be enough for you. I know, it's my fault. But, i have always try to give you a certain amount of presence surprises.

You have been cold to be these days. I do not know what's wrong. I do not know when it started and where it went wrong. It was all fine before this until recently you started distancing me. Why? I wish to know. I wish to know more than the answer. I wish to know how i'll be able to fix it. How nice would it be if you could converse it to me, share your feelings and thoughts with me.

I miss you. I miss you so much. I've never wished to have a non-death separation with you. I have always thought we would be together till death do us apart. What happens to our promises?

Thanks for the wonderful time you have given me throughout these years. It was like a near-perfect dream. Everything was so beautiful and you made me fall in love like a girl again. I doubt i will be able to fall into such a wonderful dream anymore.

I wish it did not have to happen this way. In fact, i wish it did not happen at all.

I love you.

life outside.

Life's just on the downhill, rolling away.

The longer it rolls, the more speed it gathers.