the battle of emotions

you build shields, you try your best to block the potential attacks.

but,

when your surroundings and close happenings affect you deep, manage to hurt you and break your system,

you know you're losing in the battle of emotions.

it is a long battle.

when victory seems unattainable, you fight on.

you do not give up. you can not afford to. you would be stucked beyond the realm of conscience if you do.

however,
when you win this, and if you do win this battle,
when you finally do not feel the pain,

you know you have finally won the battle of emotions..

Emotional vs Rational

the battle has started months back, the kind that i thought i would come out strong and alive. the kind that i thought i would come back as a respected war veteran.

for the better, for changes, for future, it had to be.

so, i thought.

never knew what i imagined did not come out as expected. it was a different warzone i entered. the one where emotions are tested, and senses are brutally killed.

emotions are running high, rationale being ignored.

right now, future looks bleak. hope seems to drift away as days go by. reinforcement is needed badly. how do i fight this emotional battle any longer?

whatever it takes, i had to fight it.

every glory story, every happy ending, starts with a great emotional battle.

existence is almost non-existent.

i can feel the distance,

everything changes when priorities are shifted. the process of drifting away is almost non-existent but somehow felt. the pain is deep and sharp.

things happen for all sort of reasons. it is difficult, it is hard. sequence and timings of happenings are unblameable.

this sort of transition has never been easy. and each time, different methods are used to deal with it. experimented all sort of ways and experienced the same.

give up?,

i shall not.

it rains the hardest on those who deserve the sun,
as the rain brings too much memories..

i miss you. alot. do you know?

usual but different.

as i laid down the mattress, i remembered my phone. i picked up my phone.

'gotta send a message'.

hold on, not anymore. i sighed as i placed it back to table.

i pulled my comforter and my mind started to drift away..

eyes were still wide. mind was still very awake. one of the non-intoxicated nights.

can't help but to think of the could have's and what if's. eyes were still wide open in a dark room.

"hey..look at the active panda!"

*runs to it excitedly*

as i patted it, it was very active. i turned and saw my past.

i smiled.

never thought i would have a chance to share a 'panda moment' with my past once more. i relished the short moment even though it was blurry. sharing joy is the best way to share your love.

*message tone*

"good morning.. still miss your msg tone?"

i smiled.

the happiness of others' is my karma.

my life is an irony.

i had a lot, i gave all away.
i had something, i wanted something else.
i finally got something else, i want what i gave away.

grass is always greener at the other side they say.

maybe.

i say, not. in fact, both sides are just as good as each.

chinese believe, you must always give away a certain amount you earn.

me? well, i gave more than what i earn away.



karma is a funny thing. it always bite you at a funny time in a funny way.

but nevertheless, it never fails to bite you at the end.

a book.

weeks back, i saw a book.

it was not a new book, but a book i once knew long ago. i picked it up and read the back of the book.

"interesting", i thought.

since then, i started reading it. day and night. sometimes, till late night. weekdays or weekends.

it was great. it was fun. it was an unique book, not any ordinary. and i love those.

we were attached after awhile. i could not bare the thought of not reading even a page for a day.

trust me oh trust me, i did not read any other book just as you thought. i wouldn't do such a thing. when i start reading one, i am a person that will never touch another, not even an old book that i once left.

one day, just when i finished a page, as i turn to the next, i realized the next page was unreadable.

i was shocked.

i can't move on if i don't have that page. i need that page. it just ain't the same if i skip a page. for people who know me, i am a person that can't miss a single minute in the movies.

i closed the book and left. the unreadable page was a surprise i could not bare.

i am stucked. i don't know how to move forward anymore..

i never thought it would end this way. i never expected it would be the first and last sorry i had to say.

but, i really am.

give up?

I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over.
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further.
This ain't lust, I know this is love.

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough.
'Cause it was not said to you.
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you.

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles.
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle.
Finally could this be it?