lived too much.

i'm not proud (even regret on some) of ;

i. some of the paths that i've taken in my life
ii. some decisions that i've chosen in my life
iii. some actions that i've made along the way



but at the end,

i can't say that i have not enjoyed the experience that i have experienced along the way..

home.

the environment is not the same anymore.
the transition has completed.
the changes breed new neighbours.
new neighbours breed unfamiliarity.



soon i will be driving home,
with the exact same feeling and settings just like yesterday.

dark. gloomy. depressed.

never had i gone home so late, never had i felt like going home so late.

broken.

the moment is so surreal,
the path is blurred,
it's been awhile since i last broke down,

where will i head next, i wish to know..

the late effect.

i have always hated people who are late for appointments. this explains why i dislike being late for any scheduled appointments.

let me explain why.

when an individual does things slowly, it does not affect only to him/herself. it affects dozen of other people around that person. don't get me wrong. i have no problems with people who do things on a slow pace because he/she is not capable to do it fast or when it does not affect other people.

it is only a problem when a person does things slow because they 'feel' like it and it affects people. let me give you an example; a person decides to get ready slowly by lazing around, walking extremely slow and doing tonnes of unnecessary things before actually getting ready to fulfill the promised time of appointment.

then, when he/she actually gets into his/her car, he/she decides to take his/her own sweet time to turtle his/her way to the destination eventually resulting being late.

to many, it does not seem like a problem. but let us see where the time leakages are.

if this person is meeting 4 people, it means these 4 people's time are wasted. and it does not just stop there. due to the slow paced driving, it slows the traffic down. let just say he's slowing 4 cars down around him, these 4 cars which are being slowed down are slowing other cars down. so, if one car slows 4 cars, 4 cars would be slowing 16 cars (4x4=16). imagine the other 16 cars slowing other cars as well? (16x64x?xgoes on). he might even have created an after-office-hours jam!

okay, back to the initial 4 people that he's meeting. lets say 4 of them have errands to run after the meeting. i shall name these 4 people A, B, C and D.

A: goes to a bank to bank in a cheque but found out that it just past the cut off time of the day (wednesday) and affecting the receiver not able to get the money by friday due to the 2-3 days of process time. he/she will only get it on monday.

B: goes to a post office to send a parcel over to the business partner but to find him in-line behind of a guy who decides to take his own sweet time to fill in a form which resulting a long queue (remember the x4 concept?)

C: rushes to meet his parents for dinner but to find himself stucked in jam by people who 'feel' like 'turtling' on the road. (again the 4x4 concept?)

D: rushes to a meeting with another 4 people. (okay, you get the point)

okay, this may sound like a ridiculous exaggerated example. that's because i have not talked about the slow paced employee in bank processing the people in line requests (example A), the person who takes 10 years to get his car parked congesting the carpark in post office (example B), the others who decide to crawl on the road and other entities with their time leakages that may play a part in those 4 daily lives.

in the real life society, there are too many entities that play a part in getting things moving. it is like a network that moves and it is inter-dependent. unlike the first block that crumble on a chain of blocks in domino effect, it is like a multi-domino series being dropped.

so next time when you decide to laze around for the couple of seconds/minutes or to service a person slowly whether in bank, restaurant or etc, think of the multiples of 4s people you're affecting.

you might be just affecting the country's development.

In chase of power, certain lose some basic values.

long ago, there was a concept borned in this world.

a state to be ruled by a government or domain known as kingdom.

the story of my kingdom starts off wrong from the very beginning. being lost and filled with insecurities, until now, i'm not sure whether it was a mistake..

in this nation, different people has different roles to play, different skillsets to offer to the society and different level of powers to delegate or control the minorities.

everything seems pretty simple and incomplex. everyone seems happy to be doing what they do daily, from commercialized business to planting own vegetables at the back of their houses.

people get along fine. of course, minor conflicts do happen around certain people but it wasn't such a big problem. maybe i was just too naive. and being as naive as me, i have a set of beliefs and principles in life that resolves around the words; harmony, respect and friendship.

after a decade passed, things were not how i saw it before. maybe it was there all along that i was just too naive to see it. well, during the process, i anticipated and predicted it would happen. but always hope it would never happen the way it did.

all sort of discrimination was brought on by the people in power including the king. Heck, even some learned and educated were discriminating the citizens by constantly looking down on the less-skilled ones. it was as though the word 'respect' did not exist in the dictionary.

they would impose ridiculous taxes to the lower-graded job related citizens, reward their favourite pets and ignore the calls and voices of the citizens.

of course, in all governments, there are some good generals. the problem with these generals is that they're always outnumbered by the bad ones. revelation is always harder to achieve by minorities some may say and it always been proved true, sadly.

they fight, they try and they struggle for the benefits of the citizen(s) but their voices are often suppressed by the people who sit in powers.

gamble.

how cliche is "life's a gamble"?

well, no matter how cliche it is, there is some truth in it.

my dear, you can not gamble on something hesitating and being afraid of losing. if situation forces you to make the bet, result solely depending on where the ball would fall on the roulette bowl, then so be it. have the courage to place the ante and hope for the best.



the result is not going to change if you hassle the croupier. the result is not going to change if you hesitate. and the result is not going to change even if you bet slowly.

at the end, you would either win or lose. and if situation forces you to place the bet, what is a better choice than to place it somewhere where the bet history favors you?

my love, do it with no regrets or pull out.

parking.

as i drive along the freeway, pictures months back in another country run through my head.

"ahhh~ i miss it.."

it's ironic. what it did to me and how much i want it right now.



i sit here just like the past few nights. i walk out, rest myself on the pathway and look up. it gives some sort of comfort that things would be fine after all.

after all, moments like this i treasure most.

suddenly,..

"let's go parking"
"parking? what parking?"
"you know,.. parking. let's do it again"
*thinks hard*
"ohhh.."
*accelerate away*

the night, has never fails on me.