usual but different.

as i laid down the mattress, i remembered my phone. i picked up my phone.

'gotta send a message'.

hold on, not anymore. i sighed as i placed it back to table.

i pulled my comforter and my mind started to drift away..

eyes were still wide. mind was still very awake. one of the non-intoxicated nights.

can't help but to think of the could have's and what if's. eyes were still wide open in a dark room.

"hey..look at the active panda!"

*runs to it excitedly*

as i patted it, it was very active. i turned and saw my past.

i smiled.

never thought i would have a chance to share a 'panda moment' with my past once more. i relished the short moment even though it was blurry. sharing joy is the best way to share your love.

*message tone*

"good morning.. still miss your msg tone?"

i smiled.

the happiness of others' is my karma.

my life is an irony.

i had a lot, i gave all away.
i had something, i wanted something else.
i finally got something else, i want what i gave away.

grass is always greener at the other side they say.

maybe.

i say, not. in fact, both sides are just as good as each.

chinese believe, you must always give away a certain amount you earn.

me? well, i gave more than what i earn away.



karma is a funny thing. it always bite you at a funny time in a funny way.

but nevertheless, it never fails to bite you at the end.

a book.

weeks back, i saw a book.

it was not a new book, but a book i once knew long ago. i picked it up and read the back of the book.

"interesting", i thought.

since then, i started reading it. day and night. sometimes, till late night. weekdays or weekends.

it was great. it was fun. it was an unique book, not any ordinary. and i love those.

we were attached after awhile. i could not bare the thought of not reading even a page for a day.

trust me oh trust me, i did not read any other book just as you thought. i wouldn't do such a thing. when i start reading one, i am a person that will never touch another, not even an old book that i once left.

one day, just when i finished a page, as i turn to the next, i realized the next page was unreadable.

i was shocked.

i can't move on if i don't have that page. i need that page. it just ain't the same if i skip a page. for people who know me, i am a person that can't miss a single minute in the movies.

i closed the book and left. the unreadable page was a surprise i could not bare.

i am stucked. i don't know how to move forward anymore..

i never thought it would end this way. i never expected it would be the first and last sorry i had to say.

but, i really am.

give up?

I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over.
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further.
This ain't lust, I know this is love.

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough.
'Cause it was not said to you.
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you.

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles.
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle.
Finally could this be it?

the light in the dark.

i can't find the fix i need.

i have everything in placed. the set is on and the light is here.

as i sit myself under the yellow light, i inhale a deep one and sigh.



something's just missing. and it's been missing for quite some time now.

i miss it, i miss the feeling. will i ever find it once more?

i wish the night would never end..

lived too much.

i'm not proud (even regret on some) of ;

i. some of the paths that i've taken in my life
ii. some decisions that i've chosen in my life
iii. some actions that i've made along the way



but at the end,

i can't say that i have not enjoyed the experience that i have experienced along the way..

home.

the environment is not the same anymore.
the transition has completed.
the changes breed new neighbours.
new neighbours breed unfamiliarity.



soon i will be driving home,
with the exact same feeling and settings just like yesterday.

dark. gloomy. depressed.

never had i gone home so late, never had i felt like going home so late.

broken.

the moment is so surreal,
the path is blurred,
it's been awhile since i last broke down,

where will i head next, i wish to know..

the late effect.

i have always hated people who are late for appointments. this explains why i dislike being late for any scheduled appointments.

let me explain why.

when an individual does things slowly, it does not affect only to him/herself. it affects dozen of other people around that person. don't get me wrong. i have no problems with people who do things on a slow pace because he/she is not capable to do it fast or when it does not affect other people.

it is only a problem when a person does things slow because they 'feel' like it and it affects people. let me give you an example; a person decides to get ready slowly by lazing around, walking extremely slow and doing tonnes of unnecessary things before actually getting ready to fulfill the promised time of appointment.

then, when he/she actually gets into his/her car, he/she decides to take his/her own sweet time to turtle his/her way to the destination eventually resulting being late.

to many, it does not seem like a problem. but let us see where the time leakages are.

if this person is meeting 4 people, it means these 4 people's time are wasted. and it does not just stop there. due to the slow paced driving, it slows the traffic down. let just say he's slowing 4 cars down around him, these 4 cars which are being slowed down are slowing other cars down. so, if one car slows 4 cars, 4 cars would be slowing 16 cars (4x4=16). imagine the other 16 cars slowing other cars as well? (16x64x?xgoes on). he might even have created an after-office-hours jam!

okay, back to the initial 4 people that he's meeting. lets say 4 of them have errands to run after the meeting. i shall name these 4 people A, B, C and D.

A: goes to a bank to bank in a cheque but found out that it just past the cut off time of the day (wednesday) and affecting the receiver not able to get the money by friday due to the 2-3 days of process time. he/she will only get it on monday.

B: goes to a post office to send a parcel over to the business partner but to find him in-line behind of a guy who decides to take his own sweet time to fill in a form which resulting a long queue (remember the x4 concept?)

C: rushes to meet his parents for dinner but to find himself stucked in jam by people who 'feel' like 'turtling' on the road. (again the 4x4 concept?)

D: rushes to a meeting with another 4 people. (okay, you get the point)

okay, this may sound like a ridiculous exaggerated example. that's because i have not talked about the slow paced employee in bank processing the people in line requests (example A), the person who takes 10 years to get his car parked congesting the carpark in post office (example B), the others who decide to crawl on the road and other entities with their time leakages that may play a part in those 4 daily lives.

in the real life society, there are too many entities that play a part in getting things moving. it is like a network that moves and it is inter-dependent. unlike the first block that crumble on a chain of blocks in domino effect, it is like a multi-domino series being dropped.

so next time when you decide to laze around for the couple of seconds/minutes or to service a person slowly whether in bank, restaurant or etc, think of the multiples of 4s people you're affecting.

you might be just affecting the country's development.

In chase of power, certain lose some basic values.

long ago, there was a concept borned in this world.

a state to be ruled by a government or domain known as kingdom.

the story of my kingdom starts off wrong from the very beginning. being lost and filled with insecurities, until now, i'm not sure whether it was a mistake..

in this nation, different people has different roles to play, different skillsets to offer to the society and different level of powers to delegate or control the minorities.

everything seems pretty simple and incomplex. everyone seems happy to be doing what they do daily, from commercialized business to planting own vegetables at the back of their houses.

people get along fine. of course, minor conflicts do happen around certain people but it wasn't such a big problem. maybe i was just too naive. and being as naive as me, i have a set of beliefs and principles in life that resolves around the words; harmony, respect and friendship.

after a decade passed, things were not how i saw it before. maybe it was there all along that i was just too naive to see it. well, during the process, i anticipated and predicted it would happen. but always hope it would never happen the way it did.

all sort of discrimination was brought on by the people in power including the king. Heck, even some learned and educated were discriminating the citizens by constantly looking down on the less-skilled ones. it was as though the word 'respect' did not exist in the dictionary.

they would impose ridiculous taxes to the lower-graded job related citizens, reward their favourite pets and ignore the calls and voices of the citizens.

of course, in all governments, there are some good generals. the problem with these generals is that they're always outnumbered by the bad ones. revelation is always harder to achieve by minorities some may say and it always been proved true, sadly.

they fight, they try and they struggle for the benefits of the citizen(s) but their voices are often suppressed by the people who sit in powers.