warning: a very lengthy emo driven post ahead.
This story goes way back then when i was still sleeping on books and lecture notes.
It started when i was still an anti-social. i hated meeting new people. i hated the process of knowing new friends. i was comfortable with my circle of friends. not many of them, but i was happy.
slowly, i knew more people in college. 1 after 1 and it goes on. not many, but enough to be comfortable with.
It all started on one very fine day when i had to pass a disc to her for my friend. until today, it is still very fresh and clear in my head today. i cussed my friend all the way to her condo for making me not able to go home right after class (used to hate hanging around that place after school).
i never knew that very day would have changed my life so much. oh boy, how it changed my life in almost every aspects of me.
i used to own the road. Back then, i thought i was Karamjit Singh. people who know me long enough will tell you that i was a road maniac. Federal was my playground and i could fall asleep driving in the city. i would hammer the metal all the way back to my home within minutes after school.
the days of my msn poping up right after hers is still very vivid back of my mind. we would then chat till the evening and the sequence repeats everyday for some time.
"do you love dogs?"
"yeah, why?"
"do you wanna see mine?"
i love dogs. but, this very story brought me to another level of affection for dogs.
One day, she did not appear online.
i was dissappointed. i did not know what happened.
i waited. and waited.
until late night, i got a message from her. she told me that her roomate was unhappy over the dog and did not want to see it there anymore. she was sad. apparently, her roomate decided to let her know by a letter. being the heartless person i was back then, i laughed at it.
how ironic it is, laughing at the story of a letter by her roomate, getting so closed to her later.
days went on. we got closer to each other.
we fell in love.
we flew kite, we had picnic, we took pictures, we walked the dog, we watched sunset, we traveled, we fought, we made up, we fought and we made up again.
i was the happiest i'd ever been.
in between the time, our internship started. we worked at the same place. we were two free spirits working together while having the time of our lives at the same time too.
and yes, i would marry you at the transparent church in blue point just like i promised.
sleeping was what we loved to do. we'd spent long weekends wrapped up and worn out in each other whole night. too cold, too little comforter.
tugging away late nights, like a mini tug-of-war.
now,
too huge for a tiny man.
too uncomfortable to be comfortable.
one thing i realized during that time was, i changed. i was never like how i was.
treating a woman like it should,
never had that in me.
being considerate to feelings of others,
never had that in me.
patience,
never had that in me too.
now, i can feel that my old me is getting back to me, battling hard to crawl out of me.
the end is near.
should i, kill the monster or be the monster once more?
