Days Without Dawn

the battle of emotions

2011-04-04T16:32:00.003+08:00

you build shields, you try your best to block the potential attacks.

but,

when your surroundings and close happenings affect you deep, manage to hurt you and break your system,

you know you're losing in the battle of emotions.

it is a long battle.

when victory seems unattainable, you fight on.

you do not give up. you can not afford to. you would be stucked beyond the realm of conscience if you do.

however,
when you win this, and if you do win this battle,
when you finally do not feel the pain,

you know you have finally won the battle of emotions..

Emotional vs Rational

2011-01-25T01:48:00.004+08:00

the battle has started months back, the kind that i thought i would come out strong and alive. the kind that i thought i would come back as a respected war veteran.

for the better, for changes, for future, it had to be.

so, i thought.

never knew what i imagined did not come out as expected. it was a different warzone i entered. the one where emotions are tested, and senses are brutally killed.

emotions are running high, rationale being ignored.

right now, future looks bleak. hope seems to drift away as days go by. reinforcement is needed badly. how do i fight this emotional battle any longer?

whatever it takes, i had to fight it.

every glory story, every happy ending, starts with a great emotional battle.

existence is almost non-existent.

2011-01-19T02:50:00.009+08:00

i can feel the distance,

everything changes when priorities are shifted. the process of drifting away is almost non-existent but somehow felt. the pain is deep and sharp.

things happen for all sort of reasons. it is difficult, it is hard. sequence and timings of happenings are unblameable.

this sort of transition has never been easy. and each time, different methods are used to deal with it. experimented all sort of ways and experienced the same.

give up?,

i shall not.

it rains the hardest on those who deserve the sun,
as the rain brings too much memories..

i miss you. alot. do you know?

usual but different.

2010-12-19T05:33:00.004+08:00

as i laid down the mattress, i remembered my phone. i picked up my phone.

'gotta send a message'.

hold on, not anymore. i sighed as i placed it back to table.

i pulled my comforter and my mind started to drift away..

eyes were still wide. mind was still very awake. one of the non-intoxicated nights.

can't help but to think of the could have's and what if's. eyes were still wide open in a dark room.

"hey..look at the active panda!"

*runs to it excitedly*

as i patted it, it was very active. i turned and saw my past.

i smiled.

never thought i would have a chance to share a 'panda moment' with my past once more. i relished the short moment even though it was blurry. sharing joy is the best way to share your love.

*message tone*

"good morning.. still miss your msg tone?"

i smiled.

the happiness of others' is my karma.

2010-11-21T05:11:00.004+08:00

my life is an irony.

i had a lot, i gave all away.
i had something, i wanted something else.
i finally got something else, i want what i gave away.

grass is always greener at the other side they say.

maybe.

i say, not. in fact, both sides are just as good as each.

chinese believe, you must always give away a certain amount you earn.

me? well, i gave more than what i earn away.

karma is a funny thing. it always bite you at a funny time in a funny way.

but nevertheless, it never fails to bite you at the end.

a book.

2010-11-15T09:41:00.006+08:00

weeks back, i saw a book.

it was not a new book, but a book i once knew long ago. i picked it up and read the back of the book.

"interesting", i thought.

since then, i started reading it. day and night. sometimes, till late night. weekdays or weekends.

it was great. it was fun. it was an unique book, not any ordinary. and i love those.

we were attached after awhile. i could not bare the thought of not reading even a page for a day.

trust me oh trust me, i did not read any other book just as you thought. i wouldn't do such a thing. when i start reading one, i am a person that will never touch another, not even an old book that i once left.

one day, just when i finished a page, as i turn to the next, i realized the next page was unreadable.

i was shocked.

i can't move on if i don't have that page. i need that page. it just ain't the same if i skip a page. for people who know me, i am a person that can't miss a single minute in the movies.

i closed the book and left. the unreadable page was a surprise i could not bare.

i am stucked. i don't know how to move forward anymore..

i never thought it would end this way. i never expected it would be the first and last sorry i had to say.

but, i really am.

give up?

2010-11-13T05:46:00.001+08:00

I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over.
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further.
This ain't lust, I know this is love.

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough.
'Cause it was not said to you.
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you.

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles.
Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle.
Finally could this be it?

the light in the dark.

2010-10-12T03:03:00.002+08:00

i can't find the fix i need.

i have everything in placed. the set is on and the light is here.

as i sit myself under the yellow light, i inhale a deep one and sigh.

something's just missing. and it's been missing for quite some time now.

i miss it, i miss the feeling. will i ever find it once more?

i wish the night would never end..

lived too much.

2010-08-13T19:29:00.005+08:00

i'm not proud (even regret on some) of ;

i. some of the paths that i've taken in my life
ii. some decisions that i've chosen in my life
iii. some actions that i've made along the way

but at the end,

i can't say that i have not enjoyed the experience that i have experienced along the way..

home.

2010-08-10T21:01:00.005+08:00

the environment is not the same anymore.
the transition has completed.
the changes breed new neighbours.
new neighbours breed unfamiliarity.

soon i will be driving home,
with the exact same feeling and settings just like yesterday.

dark. gloomy. depressed.

never had i gone home so late, never had i felt like going home so late.

broken.

2010-08-08T05:37:00.004+08:00

the moment is so surreal,
the path is blurred,
it's been awhile since i last broke down,

where will i head next, i wish to know..

the late effect.

2010-02-05T09:33:00.008+08:00

i have always hated people who are late for appointments. this explains why i dislike being late for any scheduled appointments.

let me explain why.

when an individual does things slowly, it does not affect only to him/herself. it affects dozen of other people around that person. don't get me wrong. i have no problems with people who do things on a slow pace because he/she is not capable to do it fast or when it does not affect other people.

it is only a problem when a person does things slow because they 'feel' like it and it affects people. let me give you an example; a person decides to get ready slowly by lazing around, walking extremely slow and doing tonnes of unnecessary things before actually getting ready to fulfill the promised time of appointment.

then, when he/she actually gets into his/her car, he/she decides to take his/her own sweet time to turtle his/her way to the destination eventually resulting being late.

to many, it does not seem like a problem. but let us see where the time leakages are.

if this person is meeting 4 people, it means these 4 people's time are wasted. and it does not just stop there. due to the slow paced driving, it slows the traffic down. let just say he's slowing 4 cars down around him, these 4 cars which are being slowed down are slowing other cars down. so, if one car slows 4 cars, 4 cars would be slowing 16 cars (4x4=16). imagine the other 16 cars slowing other cars as well? (16x64x?xgoes on). he might even have created an after-office-hours jam!

okay, back to the initial 4 people that he's meeting. lets say 4 of them have errands to run after the meeting. i shall name these 4 people A, B, C and D.

A: goes to a bank to bank in a cheque but found out that it just past the cut off time of the day (wednesday) and affecting the receiver not able to get the money by friday due to the 2-3 days of process time. he/she will only get it on monday.

B: goes to a post office to send a parcel over to the business partner but to find him in-line behind of a guy who decides to take his own sweet time to fill in a form which resulting a long queue (remember the x4 concept?)

C: rushes to meet his parents for dinner but to find himself stucked in jam by people who 'feel' like 'turtling' on the road. (again the 4x4 concept?)

D: rushes to a meeting with another 4 people. (okay, you get the point)

okay, this may sound like a ridiculous exaggerated example. that's because i have not talked about the slow paced employee in bank processing the people in line requests (example A), the person who takes 10 years to get his car parked congesting the carpark in post office (example B), the others who decide to crawl on the road and other entities with their time leakages that may play a part in those 4 daily lives.

in the real life society, there are too many entities that play a part in getting things moving. it is like a network that moves and it is inter-dependent. unlike the first block that crumble on a chain of blocks in domino effect, it is like a multi-domino series being dropped.

so next time when you decide to laze around for the couple of seconds/minutes or to service a person slowly whether in bank, restaurant or etc, think of the multiples of 4s people you're affecting.

you might be just affecting the country's development.

In chase of power, certain lose some basic values.

2010-01-09T14:31:00.008+08:00

long ago, there was a concept borned in this world.

a state to be ruled by a government or domain known as kingdom.

the story of my kingdom starts off wrong from the very beginning. being lost and filled with insecurities, until now, i'm not sure whether it was a mistake..

in this nation, different people has different roles to play, different skillsets to offer to the society and different level of powers to delegate or control the minorities.

everything seems pretty simple and incomplex. everyone seems happy to be doing what they do daily, from commercialized business to planting own vegetables at the back of their houses.

people get along fine. of course, minor conflicts do happen around certain people but it wasn't such a big problem. maybe i was just too naive. and being as naive as me, i have a set of beliefs and principles in life that resolves around the words; harmony, respect and friendship.

after a decade passed, things were not how i saw it before. maybe it was there all along that i was just too naive to see it. well, during the process, i anticipated and predicted it would happen. but always hope it would never happen the way it did.

all sort of discrimination was brought on by the people in power including the king. Heck, even some learned and educated were discriminating the citizens by constantly looking down on the less-skilled ones. it was as though the word 'respect' did not exist in the dictionary.

they would impose ridiculous taxes to the lower-graded job related citizens, reward their favourite pets and ignore the calls and voices of the citizens.

of course, in all governments, there are some good generals. the problem with these generals is that they're always outnumbered by the bad ones. revelation is always harder to achieve by minorities some may say and it always been proved true, sadly.

they fight, they try and they struggle for the benefits of the citizen(s) but their voices are often suppressed by the people who sit in powers.

gamble.

2009-09-29T03:13:00.003+08:00

how cliche is "life's a gamble"?

well, no matter how cliche it is, there is some truth in it.

my dear, you can not gamble on something hesitating and being afraid of losing. if situation forces you to make the bet, result solely depending on where the ball would fall on the roulette bowl, then so be it. have the courage to place the ante and hope for the best.

the result is not going to change if you hassle the croupier. the result is not going to change if you hesitate. and the result is not going to change even if you bet slowly.

at the end, you would either win or lose. and if situation forces you to place the bet, what is a better choice than to place it somewhere where the bet history favors you?

my love, do it with no regrets or pull out.

parking.

2009-08-27T05:23:00.004+08:00

as i drive along the freeway, pictures months back in another country run through my head.

"ahhh~ i miss it.."

it's ironic. what it did to me and how much i want it right now.

i sit here just like the past few nights. i walk out, rest myself on the pathway and look up. it gives some sort of comfort that things would be fine after all.

after all, moments like this i treasure most.

suddenly,..

"let's go parking"
"parking? what parking?"
"you know,.. parking. let's do it again"
*thinks hard*
"ohhh.."
*accelerate away*

the night, has never fails on me.

down.

2009-07-24T17:17:00.004+08:00

things have not been going smooth lately. what i expected and predicted months back, is happening at the moment. probably worse in some ways.

one of the cliches goes; you gain some, you lose some.

don't know how true is that. well, i gained something valuable, and by the looks of it, i may be losing some along the way.

the process isn't the smoothest as well. and this has been feeding myself a lot of hatred and anger unconsciously. somehow, i do not see signs of the beast crawling out of me yet. maybe it died from the last incident.

i might be down, but i've always came back stronger and usually with lot of hatred and anger.

i'll be back,.. once more.

on the tip of a fulcrum.

2009-06-22T10:18:00.003+08:00

i've been sitting here by myself, trying to find myself.
past has changed me so much that, as much as i try to get behind myself, sometimes i do not understand myself anymore.

beliefs that i fight for, principles that i stand for,..
people do not know the things that i say and do.
people do not understand things that i've been through.

outcome could only swing either way, in extreme.
i do not wish to engage in such a battle, especially a battle when i have no visibility to it.

So Julie.

2009-06-15T00:01:00.003+08:00

So Julie..i saw ur eyes again
did we talk last nite about the little things
so julie does it matter when i call
i think you're awful young to try
and shoot the world on your own

but if we dance awhile and we go cut it loose
we take some time how about a little time
we find our own

now that we were wrong
im sorry that it had to take so long
in the world we live in often
we dont know who we are
so julie gonna head off
cause julie's got her head on

now we go find out that
we've already lost enough
so now we're gonna win it back again
so julie when you think of me
does it come to mind
we're living in the same room
in the same house on the same street
in the same town

everynite i rush to sleep and
every point of you surrounds me
if u see me now..i havent got that far
because i know
what you're like..but i dont know who u are

The House.

2009-06-10T09:57:00.007+08:00

The House used to be a warm and comfortable place.

Weather has not been smooth these days. Sun has been too hot and rain has been too unpredictable.

I for one is finding it hard to live under such conditions. It has not been too kind with me. I'm finding it hard, to fight the emotional warfare.

Just when i thought everything's lost, i found The House. and never have i felt so comfortable, for such a long time. The warmth i felt is unreal. The emotional shelter it gave made me feel alive once more.

Past owner has been cruel and ignorant to it, making it hard to accept any more occupant and cold. Making it almost impossible for the house to trust any other occupant.

Just when i'm comfortable and wish to settle down in The House, it turned me down due to reasons which i've been fighting for almost all my life. Well, i do not blame anyone but myself for not able to change its' beliefs. I want to be the one to fix the spoils and flaws in The House.

But, to be told off and brand as one of any other men which can fix it, breaks my heart, deeply.

sunday is a journey.

2009-04-20T09:55:00.009+08:00

i opened the door of the wheels, and realized it was the wrong side of it.

the emo drive was always at the back of my mind. it was a timer counting at the back of my mind.

as i hammered the metal to the floor, we started off the journey knowing that it would end some time. just few miles away from origin, i could see a fast flashing light running at my tail.

"here we go again. awesome! this is the last thing i need right now."

e: yes, officer? (always wanted to say that at least once in my life. or "problems, officer?")
o: good morning!
e: morning, sir.
o: driving license please.
o: did you realized you were over 60? i checked you out at 65 at one point and another at 62. speed limit here is 45.
e: oh really? i'm sorry officer. i'm not around here.
o: are you a student here? or..you're here for?
e: business
o: alright. speed limit here is 45, don't you go over that again or you'll be in the justice department. i'm sure you do not want that, do you?
e: no, i don't officer.
o: okay. have a good day.
e: you too. thank you.

v: can i drive?
e: no.
v: why? but i want to drive.
e: no. i feel like driving.
v: don't you think you should start driving abit slower now?
e: do you know what they call me back home?
v: *sighs*

my entire life is about driving.

after all, one of the biggest thing that ever happened in my life was during driving. name every situation in driving and i can assure you i've done it before.

right now,

driving my mind would be my biggest challenge, if i know where that path lies of course.

sanitarium.

2009-04-13T21:11:00.004+08:00

the stage is set. the equipments are geared up.

"welcome to where time stands still, no one leaves and no one will~"
"moon is full, never seems to change. dream the same thing every night~"
"that dream is my reality~"

"sanitaaaariummm~"
"just leave me be~"
"sanitaaaariummmm~"
"just leave me alone~"

"for the jews on the floor, get the hell out of here!"
"didn't the goddamn sign says no fucking jews?"

--------------------------------------------------------

venue: the good ol' green field
foyer action: (guitar solo by richie sambora)
side foyer action: (kirk and members)

e: hey, isn't that your solo?
kirk: yea, he fucking copied it.
e: what you gonna do bout it?
kirk: kick this jackass out of his mind after this.

re-ignite the fire.

2009-04-03T21:19:00.010+08:00

"we're all professionals!"

"we're the best of the best, aight! if we're the best of the best, aren't we supposed to be kicking the asses out of the enemies!?"

"it's been tough, and i know that, aight. we gotta hang on there, aight. the enemies are rough, but we gotta be rougher, aight! we do what we came here to do, and we do it! anyone needs help, we help. we do not leave a single man behind, aight. one man behind means the whole team is behind, aight!"

"we need you to give all your best! we're a team, we work as a team, we die as a team, and we achieve as a team! aight!"

"now, get your packs out of here and fight. i expect perfect results by the end of the day and we shall do it!"

the war is at its' peak.

fight the emotional warfare. forget about the medals of honor. win the war and come back again as heroes of ourselves.

unleash the fire in me and you'll see a beast crawling out of me!

a Great Memorial awaits me.

2009-03-18T02:20:00.008+08:00

The war started somewhere mid to end of last year.

I was in the reserves back when it started. Around new year, i was told that i might be sent to the field.

On 16th of Feb, i received my call to serve for the first battalion for the war. It was my first assignment on the field. I was nervous and unprepared right to the last day before leaving. and before i know it, i'm on the field.

I was allocated in the 4th infantry. We managed to take control of 2 bases without heavy resistance. Having a great chief in command helps the whole 4th infantry without losing a large amount of our men.

On 17th March, i was allocated to the airborne to join another company for a defensive operation. I was told that the stronghold that we took control was the major link between the success and failure of our 4th infantry. Our mission was to defend the stronghold at all cost till more backups arrive. It was a short notice and i wasn't prepared to be in the airborne.

Right now while writting this, i landed successfully deep into the enemies' lines and trying to battle my way out of it. It could be a suicide mission. But, when you serve, you serve. There is no exceptions.

A little support and moral encouragement back home could be a big help to gain my courage to continue this battle. The hope of returning home at scheduled date at the end of this war remains deep in me.

6th Street.

2009-03-09T07:51:00.007+08:00

"this is the capitol of legs in the world aint it?"
"it sure is.."

"here 2 bucks, go get the good o' jelly of texas"
*grabs money

100 meters

"so, you think you're all that mate?"

"yeah"

"100 meters till that post?"

*smiles

"uh uh uhhhh huhhh uhhhh uhhhhh"

"mi knees, mi kneessss"

"told ya, 'mate' =)"

chin up

*jumps

"uuuhhhhh, uuhhhh, uhhhhhh, uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. oh man"

"i can do at least 10 of those, what's with you mate?"

*walks away

shuffle board

"5 bucks that i'll kick your ass in this"

"you gotta be kidding me. come on mate" *fists punching the air*

*shhhiiiiii, shiiiiiiiiiii shiiiiiiiiiiiiiii*

"ahhh bollocks."

*shakes hands*

"cheers mate =)"

----------------------------------------------------------

*bwwwwwwwwweeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

"come on mate, we gotta go. let's go mate"

*bwwwwwwwwweeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

"good o' jelly knocked you hard eh mate"

"you're not afraid or anything, don't you? you just don't give a shit, don't you?"

A Day in a Shipment Lifecyle (Part 1)

2009-03-07T08:40:00.021+08:00

explicit content: read at your own cost

Accent: (A)-DAmerican, (AU)-PAustralian, (N)-Nigga, (M)-Mexican/Spanish (XYZ)-Combination of all

(XYZ) can i drive one of the forklifts over there?
(M) hell yeah, go get them ma-fucker

(M) so you have a gun or some shit over there?
(XYZ) no, we have machetes over there man
(M) so you kill people with machetes and shit?
(XYZ) yea man. we go like (both hands flying all over with extreme movement)
(M) fuck man. i got a shotgun, you wanna see it?
(XYZ) fuck off. wtf do you shoot?
(M) like cats and shit, bom (hand movement) the cat go flying man. fire extinguisher, tanks, cars, whatever man.

(M) is that your bitch over there?
(N) fuck you fatass
(M) i'm gonna shoot your black ass with ma shotgun

(N) i'm telling ya man, this shits wont load up, this shits aint load up.
(N) ah, fuck this shit man. i going back getting sum american women.

(M) why not you bring him to juarez?
(N) fuck no, he aint gonna make it back here, we aint gonna make it back here
(N) we go like (hand on the steering wheel act) driving and shit, "ah this is some nice street" minding own business and shit. boom, tatatatatatatatatataata. we be fucking fried man.

(object flying)
(N) ya throwing shit at me?
(N) beachwhale.
(N) i hate tat mother fucker i tell ya

(M1) you got a 34 over that dude?
(M2) fuck no, he aint fitting in a 32
(M3) yeah man
(M1) over the belly?
(M3) under my dick

(A) i'm 62 but my girlfriend's like 24.
(A) i don't like dried up women
(A) i like girls who go all wet as soon as you touch them.

(M1) you been in a monster truck?
(XYZ) ya calling that shit a monster truck?
(M1) hell yeah, check this shit out
(tires smoking)
(M2) fuck off amigo, that aint no monster truck, that's a mini truck
(M3) ya gonna break that shit over there
(tires smoking)
(M1) i gonna smoke the shit up
(tires smoking)(up the curb)
(M1+2+3+4+5+6) hahahahahahahahhahaha
(M1) that's some good shit

captured is bits and pieces. more is forgotten.

lessons learnt:

1) applications and systems can be the best in the world but if you have idiots running the systems, it could be the worst in the world.

2) make the best out of the mess

3) smoke is essential

4) never deal with the applications, always deal with the users

5) re-booting solves ALL problems

missing moon.

2009-02-21T19:53:00.015+08:00

it ended late.

partners gathered pace on themselves. i strolled. i did not understand.

"am i intoxicating myself tonight? definitely."

no more asking, no more begging.

as i walk the 20, i strolled. it was dark. it was quiet. i found a glimpse of happiness in the thick-dark-loneliness.

i looked at the shelves with lots of local choices. i've never seen such before.

i hate decision making. especially with the one filled with choices. it tortures my smoked brain cells.

i grabbed the proven taste and moved on to the frozen. chose, paid and left.

on the way back, opened up and lit up each.

"aaaahhhh~" i took a deep of each.

i looked up.

"man, where's the moon?" sighed me.

down to earth

2009-02-18T21:44:00.017+08:00

as i walk out, i could feel the early breeze.

i see people walking their huskies, jogging, cabs parking at the sidewalks, people enjoying a good morning.

life's good.

i take out a stick out of the box, scratch it on the box and light up a deathstick.

inhaling it deep into my alveolies and exhaling it out never felt better.

i relived. ahhh~ best moment of this period of life.

----------------------------------------------------------

i walk out. i see my driver in my bentley waiting.

as i walk out, he comes out of the bentley and greeted me with a smile. i take out my box and light it up and pass it over to him.

we smoke, chat and joke for a moment. he's my dude. we joke, we talk and we do shits.

i proceed to my bentley. chuck my briefcase to the backseat, and sit at the front.

he drives off.

it's gonna be a carefree good shivers-under-the-sun day.

leaving on a jet plane.

2009-02-14T14:00:00.005+08:00

i emo when people treat me bad.
i emo when people treat me too good.
i probably don't when people treat me moderate.
i do not understand myself anymore.
maybe i should desert myself from everyone.

i'm leaving, on a jet plane.
don't know when i'll be back again..

my bed is evil.

2009-02-11T11:14:00.019+08:00

"eric! come over and check this shower hose out! it's grown shorter and weird-ly-crooked." (cantonese)

"meh si oh" (mind)

i looked at the corridor between my room and parents'. it looked endlessly long.

2 seconds passed.

i'm in the bathroom, naked. water pouring out of the shower hose. water droplets hit my body vigorously.

i looked up. and i freaked out.

"what the fuck is this shit!?" (mind)
"this hose is mutating! it's growing shorter and it's weird-ly crooked! it's alive!" (mind)

i regained realism. terrified. even more shocked by the fact of bolster floored and was replaced by pillow.

i sighed.

i've always freaked out on small weird matters. but somehow, i tend to be amazed or thrilled by it.

lost in the transition.

2009-02-06T01:06:00.008+08:00

future.

it's a big word. at least for me.

at the current state of mind, i'm terrified. i've never been so terrified before.

i've been in so many fucked up situations that no one has ever been. not my usual circle of friends at least. name it, and i've been it.

things have been getting from uncertain to very uncertain for me. i'm finding difficulties in handling people around me. fuck, i'm even finding difficulty in handling myself.

some random witch recently told my mum that a person will envy me this year. but honestly, i envy people around me. i envy people like mic who can go home, read a book, play console and sleep at 10+pm everyday.

months back, my greatest enemy was my heart. now, my greatest enemy is my neurons. both equally bad. maybe thinking too much isn't a good thing after all.

cliche.

2009-02-05T02:24:00.016+08:00

i hate cliche.

no matter how life surrounds us with the usual cliche's, i still hate it.

cliche's come in words, phrases, and even actions. i hate all forms. i've always believed that life should be as unique as it could be. i mean, we are all unique individuals. how can the addition/interaction of 2 unique individuals be the same with the others? how can the words/phrases that we say be the same with others?

been with various people lately, meeting new individuals, unique individuals. from a dude that used to scam aunties infront of giant to dude who used to sell mandarin oranges next to highways.

i've always loved meeting new people. no matter how anti social i was, i never hated meeting new people. i just lacked the effort to initiate the whole introduction process. i love talking to strangers, i love talking to people on the roads, i love having contacts with unique people.

i remember the days when i was out of the country few times, i talked to random strangers. i hugged a random fat dude. learnt their lifestyles. learnt the way they speak. tried understanding how they think or act. i just love the experience of having contact with total random strangers on the roads.

many have different opinions and views on life experiences. for me, i've always view greatest for the unique-ness and quality of life experiences. not wealthy, colourful or rich lifestyles. but, just plain ordinary life experiences. it could be meeting a random unique dude on the streets or it could be having a beer with my drinking buddy infront of the famous 7 at 6am in the morning.

i tend to write whenever emo sets in. i guess the reason for this random late post would be greatly inspired by the deep emo i am right now.

i miss the old times, all the time.

i miss the 12pm football, i miss the mid-night treasure hunts, i miss the piss-soaked football times, i miss the activities-motivated schooling moments, i miss the 6am morning-call times, i miss the dejavu times, i miss balcony times, i miss the activity-driven-street-drinking times, i miss the adrenaline-driven times, i miss the bed moments, i miss the indescribable colourful moments, i miss the ep-7e drink till the dawn breaks moments, i miss the kite moments, i miss the ups&lows moments,.. i miss my past so much.

for me, this is what i mean by quality life. not the usual competitive aggro wealth seeking one. if i could turn back time just to live this period once more, i would exchange my life for it.

soon, i'll be leaving on a jetplane.

i do not know what future brings. i do not know what may happen. if i was given a choice, i would never wanna know what future brings. but instead, i would wanna taste history, just maybe, for a moment.

the fire.

2009-02-01T14:32:00.005+08:00

throughout these months, i've learnt quite a number of things.

fire,..

will always die no matter how wonderful, strong and bright it is.

fire will always need a disposable to compliment with it. it can never be a 'standalone'. and like all disposables, it ain't infinite. it will,.. eventually finish.

weeks back, i wish to leave peter once for all. but i realized, it ain't so easy after all.

for months, i've been feeding peter with cricket. i realized cricket's fire is strong, but only at the beginning. it will run out of gas eventually.

being me, the inner me always wanting for eternal love, i crave for loyalty too much. i do not want the gas to run out. i do not want the fire to die off.

should i get a refillable? zippo maybe?

highway frog.

2009-01-19T18:48:00.012+08:00

i've talked the talk,
walked the walk,
and finally,

parked the park.

you know, talking the talk cost absolutely nothing while walking the walk costs probably some convictions but parking the park,

cost the most money of all.

people who knows me well will know that i'm a high-roller, spend more than i can afford and thinks money may actually fall from sky one day.

but after that incident, i have to be more innovative in parking. parking ain't cheap anymore. once you're locked, your wallet goes on diet.

and now because of that, i have to be frogger in 'highway frog', twice a day!

they say, there's always a bright side of every situation. well, it applies a little bit in this. at least i get to wait for someone at the 'make out bush' on certain days and play 'frogger' together before riding her home.

a lot of changes are greeting me at the beginning of this year. i believe the transition is happening.

right now,

i just need to kill the monster in me, resolve 2 things and,

i'll be a man once more.

a day without him,

2009-01-14T19:03:00.023+08:00

is the day where my heart goes away, again.

the day started off awaked by the buzz of my alarm. i dragged myself up and could not find him beside me.

everyday, i had to rush to the glass door for the 'release'. as i was rushing today, my heart dropped as i remember i did not have to.

i sighed, but continued my way towards kitchen for my daily morning glass of water. to not leap over on the entrance of the kitchen is something that i have to live with in the future.

i quickly got myself ready and rushed to work.

time of the day came,

KFC was the place to dine. as jess was stuffing coleslaw into the infamous KFC bun, the thought striked me. i will no longer need to pack the infamous bun for him anymore. tell me, oh tell me, how will i be able to have KFC anymore?

as i reached home, i sat on the couch like i do everyday, i realized the missing white bunny hopping away crazily on routine basis.

my heart dropped again.

some say, home is where the heart is. i say,

it's true if you did not lose your heart.

the usual 2 screens occupied my whole night,.. without a sight of the white bunny. eventually, i ended the night trying to forget the thought of hugging fluffy for the night.

the loss is too much. i wish i never had him if i could not own eternity love.

maybe that's just a flaw in me.

will you, forget the time we shared, or will you,.. wait for me in the doorstep?

good things don't last long.

2009-01-06T19:18:00.008+08:00

"you're stupid to be still in love with him"

"my dear, you can never fall in love without being stupid"

she hates it, i love it.

i can't help it.

the feeling is great.

whenever together, my heart pumps fast just like a guy who has never been in love. blood thrusting in the veins all the way to my brain.

you're a great companion, but you're disastrous.

i'm leaving you.

peter, i love you. and i will miss you soon.

drive.

2008-12-23T20:09:00.008+08:00

i love to drive.

i can't live without driving. nothing in this world can make me happier than driving.

i used to love driving back to malacca on sunday evenings few years back. i could still remember the sun-setting, the wind breeze, the moderate cruise, the road, the trees, and the sky.

it was perfect.

as though it was a painting by van gogh, beautifully painted with self-driven touches.

we drive everyday, at least most of us do.

we drive to work, market, college, city, restaurants, and we have long journeys to other states. some of us hates driving, some of us loves it, some of us hates/loves driving depending on situation.

for me, i love driving. whether it's a purposed-drive or a point-less drive, i love the experience.

if i could drive forever, i would.

the end is near.

2008-12-12T01:13:00.003+08:00

warning: a very lengthy emo driven post ahead.

This story goes way back then when i was still sleeping on books and lecture notes.

It started when i was still an anti-social. i hated meeting new people. i hated the process of knowing new friends. i was comfortable with my circle of friends. not many of them, but i was happy.

slowly, i knew more people in college. 1 after 1 and it goes on. not many, but enough to be comfortable with.

It all started on one very fine day when i had to pass a disc to her for my friend. until today, it is still very fresh and clear in my head today. i cussed my friend all the way to her condo for making me not able to go home right after class (used to hate hanging around that place after school).

i never knew that very day would have changed my life so much. oh boy, how it changed my life in almost every aspects of me.

i used to own the road. Back then, i thought i was Karamjit Singh. people who know me long enough will tell you that i was a road maniac. Federal was my playground and i could fall asleep driving in the city. i would hammer the metal all the way back to my home within minutes after school.

the days of my msn poping up right after hers is still very vivid back of my mind. we would then chat till the evening and the sequence repeats everyday for some time.

"do you love dogs?"
"yeah, why?"
"do you wanna see mine?"

i love dogs. but, this very story brought me to another level of affection for dogs.

One day, she did not appear online.

i was dissappointed. i did not know what happened.

i waited. and waited.

until late night, i got a message from her. she told me that her roomate was unhappy over the dog and did not want to see it there anymore. she was sad. apparently, her roomate decided to let her know by a letter. being the heartless person i was back then, i laughed at it.
how ironic it is, laughing at the story of a letter by her roomate, getting so closed to her later.

days went on. we got closer to each other.

we fell in love.

we flew kite, we had picnic, we took pictures, we walked the dog, we watched sunset, we traveled, we fought, we made up, we fought and we made up again.

i was the happiest i'd ever been.

in between the time, our internship started. we worked at the same place. we were two free spirits working together while having the time of our lives at the same time too.

and yes, i would marry you at the transparent church in blue point just like i promised.

sleeping was what we loved to do. we'd spent long weekends wrapped up and worn out in each other whole night. too cold, too little comforter.
tugging away late nights, like a mini tug-of-war.

now,
too huge for a tiny man.
too uncomfortable to be comfortable.

one thing i realized during that time was, i changed. i was never like how i was.

treating a woman like it should,
never had that in me.

being considerate to feelings of others,
never had that in me.

patience,
never had that in me too.

now, i can feel that my old me is getting back to me, battling hard to crawl out of me.

the end is near.

should i, kill the monster or be the monster once more?

love of my life.

2008-12-06T12:21:00.006+08:00

again,

woke up bugged with dreams of my entire life's entities once more. these life flashing dreams have been bugging me for months. maybe it's a sign from Him that i may have more love in my life elsewhere.

now that my love has gone buying diamond ring for his love. this may mean i would lose him but, i'm happy for him.

he fought, he waited and hopefully i'll be singing for him soon.

meanwhile,

my new love is growing stronger day by day. seeing my new love everyday in a higher frequency means i'm again stepping into a dangerous game as days go by. i've gone from green to light blue to white to gold and finally red.

on another note,

i'm thinking of going to the cells, experience it first hand and have a serious write on the life in cells. (i need feedbacks on this. drop me some comments bout it)

the monster in me is growing stronger day by day as well.

the day i sing infront of Aladdin.

2008-11-25T10:26:00.021+08:00

i'm no expert in singing.

Few months ago, i found a person who sings so bad that even tables and chairs would cry.

He uses a long industrial pipe as his 'microphone'. He talks to cats and random other people who walk by. He sings by the day and goes home when the sun sets.

Although he's a goner, he enjoys doing what he does (i think). Till today, he still sings daily.

Imagination does not make fools wise, it makes them happy. and if he's happy, who are we to judge?

Lately, i've been singing as well. 1-2 years ago, i lost my singing virginity to a girl. Like a amateur i was, i sucked big time. I 'moaned' out of tune, pitching was bad, no 'frequency' or whatsoever, did not catch the right moves and the girl was disappointed.

Till today, those singing moments are still vivid in my mind. I enjoyed it even though i sucked in it.

When it seems that your life is in a chinese music clip, that's the day you're ready to sing infront of Aladdin.

and crying is not the hardest thing to do.

my love,

holding my tears is.

The Road.

2008-11-12T22:09:00.007+08:00

Everyone has a road.

From time to time, we move along our road. Whether it's bumpy, curvy, smooth, packed or whatnot.

Not everyone or almost not everyone chooses the right road at the first attempt. Halfway through, some may change path, some may make a U-turn, or some may even stop trying.

For me, I've always lived with the concept of adapting to the road rather than finding the right road for me. So whenever i commit to a certain road, i will truly appreciate and try to take good care of it.

However, due to certain circumstances, i've changed roads few times in my life. All those times, i never wanted or was reluctant to do it. But, some of these roads that i've gone through has either abandon me or turned out to be un-drivable.

Some of these roads promised so much when i was at it. Being naive as i was, i really thought it was going to take me all the way.

It hurts so much when the road decides to come to a dead-end making me almost impossible to make a U-turn. It is almost like the situation we face when we're in a very narrow road trying to make hundreds of reverse-front movements to get the 3-point turn successful.

From now on, the road is not gonna decide my fate. Cos i'm gonna own the road, like i used to.

Turkey Man pt. 2

2008-11-11T09:11:00.007+08:00

There used to be a time, when Turkey Man was pure, innocent, kind-hearted and loving. It was like a white piece of paper drawn and coloured with bright colours.

Colourful but not messy.

After 'that' incident, he changed. Only he knows what happened. Only he knows why he left him.

From a pure kind-hearted person, he now craves for power, money and lust. He acts like a typical selfish king controlling a kingdom. He acts cruel, mercy-less and feeling-less. He manipulates the evil system to his desire.

Many have boycotted his ways. Many have disagreed with his views. But none has dared to tell him.

Then, the person that Turkey Man left, has not given up. He had faith in Turkey Man. He knew him inside out after years living with him. He knew that Turkey Man did not born to be such evil person. It was because of certain circumstances which made him to change dramastically like that.

He will always..always be the one to give Turkey Man benefit of doubt even if the whole kingdom look at him as an evil ruler. Cause nobody will truly ever understand what it's in TM's heart and mind like he does.

*the events and characters written in this entry are purely fictional. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

The Long Goodbye.

2008-11-03T20:04:00.000+08:00

Our time spent together was so sudden, yet so real.
Our 4 months together was so short, yet so pure.
Our age gap is huge, but it did not matter.
All it matters was our love for each other.

This post, I have to say it's our dedication from all of us (the GT gang), for the love of our legendary 'GT', Mark Chai.

You made working life feels like secondary school life where we only look forward for our 2 hours 'rehat' and all sort of nonsense activities.

You made us live freely once more. Without responsibilities and worries, even in an tension environment.

Mark, you will be deeply missed by us even though the time we shared was short.

Turkey Man.

2008-10-26T12:33:00.010+08:00

Then,

there was a person. He lives normally. He does daily chores and satisfy self-responsibilities normally. He communicates with surroundings normally.

As he grows, he sees things. He feels things. He experiences things.

One day, he met Turkey Man. They went out. They did things together. They enjoyed their companion.

Eventually, they fell in love. They shared lives. They shared 'music video clip moments' together. They lived freely.

One day, something happened. Turkey Man behaved strangely. Turkey Man hid something from the person. They went separate ways. Turkey Man left, without a word.

The person went through a tough time wondering. He searched. He wanted to find Turkey Man. Wanted to know why. Wanted a talk, wanted a hug.

Days passed by. One day, he saw the shadows of Turkey Man. He saw the back of Turkey Man. He ran towards TM, with alot of thoughts running parallel in his mind. He hugged him from the back, tightly, without wanting to let go for even a second.

TM turned, held him and said "i'm sorry, i never wanted to leave you."

At that moment of time, he did not mind. He did not mind the lost times. He just wanted to hold TM forever.

TM held him off a sec, and said "i'm glad we're together again. Turn around for a sec and i'll show you why i went away the last time"

He did.

and, Turkey Man went missing once more.

Left him once more, in the unsound transition state of mind.

After some time, eventually, he moved on. He lives his life again, like any other people. Normally.

Till one day, same thing happened. He saw the back of Turkey Man.

Same series of actions repeated. He hugged him. TM told him to turn back. But, this time around, he turned back without letting off his hands on TM. He was determined not to lose him again.

TM said, "look. you have to believe me this time around. i had my reasons the last time. i never wanted to lose you too. if you do not want to turn, could you go talk to the person at the end of the road?"

He went without letting his eyes off the sight of TM. and when he reached the person, the guy told him to follow him to a place.

He said no. Not this time, he was really determined not to lose TM. He ran back to TM and hugged him tightly. TM said "i love you too, my dear. i'm sorry for all the sadness i've caused."

At the end, they walked down the alley together. Holding each others' hands firmly.

Just before they reached their home, Turkey Man dissappeared and never to be seen again.

*the events and characters written in this entry are purely fictional. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

life no more?

2008-10-23T12:56:00.008+08:00

I was on medical leave yesterday. I've been consistently taking medical leave once every month.

and guess what i found on my desk today?

Great.

I lost part of my life and now i'm losing my source of income.

Opened it and it was surprising i have to say. Hopefully,..

just hopefully... some elements in my life could surprise me in such a way.

the great depression.

2008-10-16T19:20:00.009+08:00

It happened years ago. It is happening now again. Many could not identify the causes of the breakdown, neither the great depression or the current crisis.

Assumptions are made. But, only the affected parties will truly understand.

I can't either. I just don't know why. I ask 'the' question everyday and yet to find the answer.

Phenomenons these days just do not have a clear cause. Being as fragile as me, I've been finding it hard to coop with the crisis. Yes, i'm on the verge of breaking down if i'm not already.

Better days will come, i hope.

And i pray, for a person to guide me through this tough time. Be it the old guide or a newer guide, i wish i'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel once more with the guidance.

a series of traffic lights.

2008-09-29T15:56:00.009+08:00

Have you ever come across the situation where you have to go through a series of traffic lights which turns yellow 100-200 meters upon reaching? The distance is just somehow not enough for you to push harder on accelerator and beat the lights. You have no choice but to stop and wait.

You wait 1-2 minutes patiently with the rest. Either mind drifting away, sipping a cup of coffee, looking around with a great deal of curiosity or maybe just counting away the seconds left.

So, green light. Great! Here we go again, the journey begins. You accelerate away. Just when you hit the optimum speed, you reach the next traffic light. It stops you by turning yellow 100-200 meters upon reaching again. The distance is just right at the point where you can not beat the light.

Again, you’re waiting for the 1-2 minutes.

The same sequence continues for the next few traffic lights ahead. There is when you just stop and wonder, “How nice would it be if I came out of my house 10 seconds earlier?”.

How often do we encounter that? Actually, this event has some similarities with life. In life, there will be hiccups along the way. These hiccups will always be packaged together and hit you at a period of time consistently. Just like the stops before each traffic light.

Hopefully, our sequence of traffic light stops will end soon and we may be able to go through a just-in-time-before-it-turns-yellow series of traffic lights again. You know why?

Cos that feeling is the greatest.

you.

2008-09-24T00:05:00.014+08:00

Dear you,

How have you been? Is everything surrounds you been good to you? Are you getting along to your surroundings well?

I'm sorry that i could not be there for you whenever you needed my companion. I've tried my best to be there, give you a certain amount of time and support whenever possible. Although i must admit that the amount of time may not be enough for you. I know, it's my fault. But, i have always try to give you a certain amount of presence surprises.

You have been cold to be these days. I do not know what's wrong. I do not know when it started and where it went wrong. It was all fine before this until recently you started distancing me. Why? I wish to know. I wish to know more than the answer. I wish to know how i'll be able to fix it. How nice would it be if you could converse it to me, share your feelings and thoughts with me.

I miss you. I miss you so much. I've never wished to have a non-death separation with you. I have always thought we would be together till death do us apart. What happens to our promises?

Thanks for the wonderful time you have given me throughout these years. It was like a near-perfect dream. Everything was so beautiful and you made me fall in love like a girl again. I doubt i will be able to fall into such a wonderful dream anymore.

I wish it did not have to happen this way. In fact, i wish it did not happen at all.

I love you.

life outside.

2008-08-25T19:44:00.010+08:00

Life's just on the downhill, rolling away.

The longer it rolls, the more speed it gathers.